shaftsofsunlight

2011-09-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a long ride. And I'm tired of fighting. I know I must be thankful. We must all be. For what is given to us, be they good or bad. Yet sometimes it's hard not to wonder if things could get better. I think we all hope and pray for what we think could help us attain our very own utopian world. These few weeks have been nothing but a dream. But I wanna wake up from it. Go back to where I belong, where I know myself. To live with my own limitations again, though not necessarily accepting them. I find it hard to accept my own limitations. Yet when the reality comes crashing down, it crashes hard. One looks to things that one normally don't, to escape the reality of it. I guess I've had enough. Enough of basking in this fantasy. It's always harder to have to take life by its horns but oddly comforting when we've done that. Like a wheel in constant motion, I think it takes as much of a bramble to stop it as it takes as much of a push to start it. Either way, to have it turning is better than seeing it stationary.

2011-02-25T09:44:00.000-08:00

It's 1.45am in the morning. I'll be leaving for Melbourne in about 19 hours' time, marking the end of my 3rd summer. Somehow, I feel like I'm living a truncated life, a double life of polarising extremes. In my mind, I've come to associate Singapore with the best things in life, my friends, my family, familiarity, fun and freedom. Melbourne, with the worst, the struggles, the stress, the fight for survival and the soul-sapping solitude. But the curse in life is that there cannot be good without evil. There would be no happiness in Singapore if there was no Melbourne to return to. A place where I know I must struggle, a place where I know I have no choice but to work, a place where there is no fun. I think we all need that certain place - a place we wished never existed, but one we cannot exist without. It is a place that deadens us but paradoxically keeps us alive. A place where we go beyond ourselves to chase our dream, but we only go beyond ouselves by being in that place. That dream doesn't exist. We make ourselves believe it does, to justify our decision to stay in that place. The dreaded place. But also, the coveted place. And when all is said and done, we go back to paradise (or so we make it out to be) and believe that it is better. Believe that there are no struggles, no stress, no fight for survival and no solitude. But when that dreaded place cease to exist, so does our paradise. We go back to the beginning, to find another paradise because our once-paradise, is now the new dreaded place.

Today, I was standing outside Fullerton Hotel, waiting for Zhi. It was a quiet night, the kind of night where even strangers seem to partake in an unspoken understanding of keeping the fragile silence. In that quiet oasis, dwarfed by the magnificence of the building, I realised how beautiful Singapore was but I was being delusional. It was beautiful only because it gave me a peek into the big world out there, beyond the horizon. And that was what attracted me. The big world out there. Not the immediate beauty of the Singapore skyline. But as with all things, the curse of life comes back to haunt us. When we have stepped out to see the world, that beauty fades.

Despite my sudden urge to stay and fully belong, the curse of life comes back to haunt us and I realised that I'll never be happy if I remained in this paradise, even if it makes me sad to leave it. And leave I must, to find that sweet spot between happiness and sadness, even if it means chasing a dream that is merely my own illusion.

2010-12-21T06:45:00.000-08:00

We Are the World

There comes a time
When we head a certain call
When the world must come together as one
There are people dying
And it's time to lend a hand to life
The greatest gift of all

We can't go on
Pretending day by day
That someone, somewhere will soon make a change
We are all a part of
God's great big family
And the truth, you know love is all we need

[Chorus]
We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

Send them your heart
So they'll know that someone cares
And their lives will be stronger and free
As God has shown us by turning stone to bread
So we all must lend a helping hand

[Chorus]
We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

When you're down and out
There seems no hope at all
But if you just believe
There's no way we can fall
Well, well, well, well, let us realize
That a change will only come
When we stand together as one

[Chorus]
We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

It's summer again. Like all summers before this, the days bleed into one another. Each just like the one before. This summer is a little different though. I've been thinking about heaps lately. My life ahead, the path I wanna take and if I wanna make my life mean something, instead of making meaning of this life. There is so much that we can give as an individual. I don't think we have to be particularly rich or talented. Somehow the thought of it alone breathes life into anyone. It's bewildering. Maybe it's really time to pick ourselves up and give a little. However little.

2010-09-08T17:12:00.000-07:00

I think it's been another half a year since I last updated. I hope my silence hasn't been haunting. It's good that no one comes here at all. I actually feel insulated in this little soundproof iridescence bubble of mine. A place to step away and think and yet be very much a part of my surroundings as well.

I met someone yesterday, who made me realised how much I've put off chasing my interests, just because the alternative seems more practical. Don't get me wrong. I love the law. I couldn't be more grateful for this wonderful opportunity to learn it. It has been an amazing journey so far. Somehow though, I feel the law cannot survive alone. I took this double degree and accepted my place here precisely because of my love for human rights, politics and international relations. Over the years, while my feelings for these haven't changed (on the contrary, I love the subject even more after being forced to do other electives), my attitude towards them have. They became relegated to the background and the study of law loomed larger and larger in front of them.

In a sense, the law is demanding and needy. But I think my preoccupation with it at the expense of my passion is disturbing. Working in a law firm seems to everyone's aim, not so much to put food on the table (it's a given seeing as to how indecently lawyers are paid), but the glamour, the prestige, the excitement, the elitism that comes with it. For those on the outside, it's an exciting job and in all my internships, it continued to hold that attraction to me. It's so easy to be sucked into our own cocooned, elite world of tailored suits, stilettos, tight schedules, court appearances and expensive lunches. But for its worth, we're so ignorant of the things that really make the world go round. The politics, so intricately tied to the economy, the nation states, affecting multi-national corporations, the poverty, of those exploited by those running the show, the environment, traded in for mere figures at the end of every fiscal year. Sadly, the things that really matter, matter the least to those who benefit from it.

Maybe its time to re-think my options, step away from the cocooned elite world not to look at it from the outside, but to look outside. And maybe, start living again.

2009-12-25T09:16:00.000-08:00

Innocence - Avril Lavigne

Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great!
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I tihnk about the little tihngs that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

I foudn a place so safe not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

This innocence is brilliant, it makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliant, please don't go away, cos I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it'll stay
This moment is perfect please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

2009-12-23T09:48:00.000-08:00

It's the eve of Christmas eve and here I am, in the quiet solitude of the night playing out my thoughts.

I've been thinking alot about God, about life, His purpose and role in my life, my future, my friends and relationships. All the questions that only the lazy days of summer induce and resolve. I guess we spend so much of our time planning for the future, so much of our time building for the future. But we spend much lesser time looking to the One creating our future. The source and provider. Increasingly, I feel less of the urge to plan but more of the desire to do my best in whatever I'm put to do. To understand God's character, to learn from the Master. To learn to obey more and demand less. To learn to listen more and speak less. To be quick to forgive and slow to anger. To be more patient and less stubborn. To be more humble and less proud.

I visited Mrs Lai today. She asked me a simple question but like all simple questions, it was profoundly difficult as well. I had my answers to them, but I could not put them into words then. I think she must have been disappointed in my answer even if she didn't show it. She asked what I would see myself doing at the end of this life on earth. She had opened it to Becky and I. I thought Becky had given a good answer - one that I would have given myself - only I would have qualified it a little more. Becky said that saving a few souls would be enough. In my conversation later at night with Jen, I told her the answer I was struggling to put into words this afternoon. I thought that saving souls were a given. The only thing left is to reflect the glory of God in everything I do (everything being God's purpose in my life) and that in so doing, I bring people to Him. That is, to do the very thing He created you to do and in so doing, extend the kingdom of heaven. This is because I believe that God's purpose for us is multi-fold. His plans fit perfectly like a jigsaw. God had planned for every Christian to spread the message, bring salvation to the unbelievers and ultimately glorify Him. This was the fundamental purpose God had for everyone. (I believe.) It however, was not the only purpose He had for us. He made us all with unique talents from which we draw on to fulfill this fundamental purpose. These special talents were His secondary purpose for us in our lives. In effect, by doing His purpose in our lives, we accomplish all that He has set out for us and that includes saving other non-believers because it is all in His grand plan.

2009-11-18T00:43:00.001-08:00

Today, my exams ended. My second year of uni has officially come to an end.

Back in JC even when the days spilled from one to the other, every day as nebulous and exhausting as the one before, punctuated only by the concerts and rehearsals, I made it a point to do my best. Unfortunately for me then, my own limited capabilities and lack of talent in the fields of science and math were to become my greatest nemesis. I didn't believe that I could be one to settle for less but I did. This year and I'm not proud of it.

Tired of my Arts degree, perhaps worn to the bone because of my overloading in first semester and the rigours of the curriculum, I let slip many opportunities to push myself and for that, I disappoint myself.

I stumbled into Borders today, after leaving Hong and attempting (and failing) to do some rewarding shopping. As always, the bookshop has always been my place of refuge, to disappear into my own perfect world. During those carefree RG days, I could spend all day at Taka's Kinokuniya, leaning against the large windows and reading magazines and books - much to the chagrin of the staff (we sat on the floor and so were mostly in their way - but we were young and rebellious and couldn't have cared less). Anyhow, I've been inspired to work hard now, after spending 2 hours reading Obama's autobiography. He's always been someone I look up to. Unafraid to challenge the current order of things, optimistic, driven, down-to-earth and religious. Everything I've always wanted to be.

I want to look back and know that I've done the best I could, been the best I could and given the best I could. In every way. To be one who's accomplished, yet humble of her achievements, approachable, reliable and mostly importantly, a lady after God's own heart. I know I said that dreams will always remain dreams unless they are also in God's plan for me. In reconciling that and my present position, I think it best to make those dreams attainable, even if they are not in His grand plan. It's funny that the revelation should come only now, belatedly after my exams, but I'm thankful for it nonetheless. Next year will be different and the transformation will continue. Wait for it.

2009-11-09T15:30:00.000-08:00

It's my Criminal Law B exam tomorrow. I should be studying. But my mind drifted and I find myself here again, my secret santuary, a museum of all my thoughts of the past, the present and the future. I think one can dream great things and to some (me included) the dream sustains, motivates and ultimately consumes them. But I came to a realisation a few days ago that the dream should never cloud our vision of what life is all about. Life isn't about achieving your dreams, (as most people would say), it's about living it the way God designed and planned for you to. If we went about doing what we wanted, achieving everything our heart desired, one day we'll be left to feel that it is meaningless. Sure, it looks good on the record and makes us feel proud of ourselves. But we wouldn't have lived life to the fullest and by that I mean, experiencing the unexpected, the thrill of not knowing what lies ahead and being pleasantly surprised or refreshingly disappointed (yet undoubtedly wiser). Maybe I still have that childhood dreams within me but they will only remain dreams unless it is also God's plan that I achieve them. Until then, I'll live with the faith in Him to guide each step of the way and embrace the exciting uncertainty that believing in Him brings.

2009-10-09T02:33:00.000-07:00

This place has somehow become my secret sanctuary, away from all the hustle and bustle of real physical life. It's a quiet oasis to retreat to. I feel like I'm stepping into my own shadow, looking at myself from the back, at the past, the present and into the future.

It's been quite a year. Though not as eventful as I had hoped for it to be. But nonetheless, we reap what we sow. Every now and then we get sucked into the pendulum of choices, of ideals, of dreams, desires, fantasies... It happens once in awhile, and we only ever make the decision when we abandon it.

Much has got me thinking alot these few days. Partly the need to escape, the desire to live the dream, the spirit to succeed. Some say hatred is a feeling we must avoid, because it will only spin out of control like a hurricane, too eager to take revenge. But it pulled me out of listlessness and I'd rather live with this hatred than to let it go altogether and lose the will the live.

I know it isn't good to hate. wrong even. And I beg forgiveness for harbouring that which is forbidden. But I promise to let it go, once I achieve my goals. Only, as some say, sometimes we lose sight of the goal when the feeling consumes us. we'll see. but you have my word, I'll keep it under control.

At least i do know what I want at the moment with this forbidden feeling. Even if there are a riot of choices to be made, all raring to be heard. It's difficult to fid some peace in the craziness out there. But at least there's something to cling onto. even if it is only for the moment.

2009-07-29T02:00:00.000-07:00

I surprise myself at how often I blog these days. I guess I have got to find somewhere quiet to think and play ou my thoughts. It is far from quiet nowadays.

It's the end of the second week of uni. I managed to allocate my timetable so they fit nicely into a 3-day week. I couldn't ask for better. Free time these days have been spent in John Medley Library photocopying for Charm and during those times when conscience hits you to let the person behind with just one thin miserly sheet, jump ahead of you, you find 10 more with 'a few miserly sheets' so I end up wondering into the library for a good read before I can claim the photocopier as mine again. These days, it's hard for me to actually fall in love with Criminal Law. It's the only law unit that I'm doing this year. It's interesting, but it doesn't reach out to grab me like Contracts does. Funny, isn't it. I found a book during one of those days when I had to wait for the others to finish photocopying their stuff and I can't put it down since. I'm not a Culture Card member so I can't borrow anything out of the library so I spend what little time I have in between photocopying, reading it. It is called The Associate by John Grisham. Like all his other books, Grisham's style of writing hits you within the first few pages. It is a page turner no doubt, but not a literary masterpiece. I'm not about to provide a critic's response to Grisham's newest thriller here but just some of my thoughts that spun off from reading that book.

In the book, the protagonist is Kyle, a final year Yale Law student who is exceptionally bright - Yale Law Review's editor in chief. Grisham describes how he enters one of NYC's most prestigious law firms, taking in the grand surroundings and the fast paced lifestyle of all junior associates. It is here that I think I've found a conclusion to my random ideas - that you won't dare to dream until you see the dream before you. It is easier to dare to achieve when the dream is right before you. There is something almost powerful about seeing your goal before you. It grabs at you and for that one moment (which for some can last a lifetime), you think you can accomplish anything. But when one can't seem to make heads or tails about where your future lies, one loses even the audacity to dream. And as I have concluded, it is better to dream and fail than to never dream at all. I remember how I used to look at the stately Old Supreme Court, with its shifting shadows under the moonlight, the large iron-wrought windows and heavy metal doors and wished I knew what went on inside. Mummy used to say no one could go in but bad people and lawyers and to a wide-eyed 8 year-old, the magnificence of that building came to symbolise success and power, two very compelling symbols which entice even the hopeless. The building is no longer used as a Supreme Court today, having seen better days. It is a museum and is now open to public. You could say I lost a big part of my childhood dream when the building lost its function. But I think it would be more accurate to say my dreams only got bigger. I'm not sure if I can sustain them. They aren't in front of me. In fact, I've never been able to clearly crystallize or visualise my dream ever since entering law school. I think it's time I start searching for it, or lose even the magic that it held to help me dream.

2009-07-20T09:11:00.001-07:00

It's been a really long time. Actually no, time really flies. One more semester and I'm done with second year. I'm not sure what to make of it. Last semester was terrible. The stress, the lack of sleep, the anxiety and the disappointments. I can't say I'm alright with my Crim grades. In truth, I'm anything but. Disappointed, worried and angry. Some say that competition is all about winning others. Others say that mantra will kill you. Competition, they say, is all about winning yourself, pushing yourself to do better than what you think you can achieve. I say, it's a little bit of both. And that's where the fatal waltz begins, where one finds herself dancing with the devil's advocate. If competition is all about winning myself, nothing really matters anymore. Define better. What is better when there is no one to compare it with? What is the standard to begin with that I should be aiming to better? Nil. It is the competition with others that sets this standard. To better illustrate this, it is like a man living alone on an island, happy with growing and consuming his own produce. But what would constitute bettering himself? Hunting? Fishing? But what if the man started off without even attempting to grow anything, but feeding off wild fruits? Indeed, if there is no competition with others, there is essentially nothing to better because paradoxically, nothing can be considered better. We either always fall short of the mark or are way above it. Yet competition with others drags with it the uncomfortable truth that sits uneasily with the notion of competing with yourself only - that you realise your limits. And it is this truth that snowballs disappointment, frustration, anger, sadness and bitterness into a potentially dangerous mass, perching precariously at the edge of the cliff we call ambition, threatening to cascade into a destructive avalanche.

It is 2.35am and I've got a 9am lecture tomorrow. I'm going to bed. Perhaps we could all still approach that cliff, but with caution, careful not to stand too near the edge.

2009-02-19T23:13:00.001-08:00

Summer's coming to an end. I guess I'll have to bid this sunny island goodbye in approximately 5 days' time. I wished I had rested more in summer, bum by the sea, cosmos in hand. But I guess this summer was eventful enough and I'm thankful for all the awesome learning opportunities I had. Seize the opportunities and live for the moment. That said though, I'm not so optimistic about going back. Sometimes I just feel I could have accomplished so much more if I stayed here. Continue pursuing violin (my first love), master French, get involved in church, etc. So many of which I can't do when I go back. And then sometimes I eat the bitter pill of regret, wishing I had gone somewhere else instead. But I guess ultimately, God's in charge. We might take life by its horns and twist it in our favour, but fate and the will of God have their way of making themselves felt, sooner or later. I figured it's pointless beating at the sack, wishing life could be different, fighting with God and the circumstances. Maybe accepting it and seizing every opportunity would be the better choice. I took the path less travelled, maybe not by my own freewill, but I'll make the best of it and emerge from the dirt track with priceless memories and experiences I wouldn't trade anything for. For better or for worse I'll walk down this dirt path and see the light at the end.

2008-06-14T06:01:00.000-07:00

Winter holidays just started...and I'm listening to Air on G by Bach. It's a beautiful piece and I love it.

No one ever reads this blog anymore. But somehow, I like it this way. I like to spill my thoughts out and yet keep them as private as possible. It's not that I particularly private or guard my privacy so fiercely as to resist any intrusion. I just don't want to bore or surprise anyone with them. Because I'm not a typical girl, crazy over clothes, food, fun etc..I mean, sure I do have moments where I let down my hair and have fun. But mostly, I don't see them as central to my life. Youth is indeed wasted on the young. I think at this point in life, its so imperative to take hold of your life, chart your path and work towards it. There is a time for everything. I guess I wouldn't have thought about it this way 2 years back. Then, the days spilled from one to the other and I wouldn't have cared less for my future. But now, it's becoming clearer. I mean, one cannot muddle through life and hope it works out. Somehow, I think I wouldn't have lived life to the fullest, if I haven't given it my all..and in this respect, time is particularly of the essence. It isn't that we aren't allowed to relax, only that hardwork of equal intensity must precede and follow it. I guess I would want to look back on my life and be satisfied with the successes and its failures. I think I've said it before and I will say it again, that regret is a bitter pill to swallow. For it is better to have tried and failed then never to have tried at all. Similarly, it is better to have dreams and not realise them than never to have dreams at all.

2007-11-01T04:06:00.000-07:00

Listening to Michael Nyman's "The Heart Seeks Pleasure First". It's so beautiful and timeless and captivating. Sigh. These days.. have been so long drawn and uncertain. Mostly the violin is giving me so much headache. It isn't that I hate it. Just my love hate affair with it. I dread to take it out but when I do, I cannot seem to put it aside. That invisible tension that inevitably draws one towards it is unmistakable. And yet, I wonder why do I still have sleepless nights from that beautiful instrument... Perhaps the only way to have anything is to give everything. And the only way to love it is to stop hating it.

2007-10-01T05:37:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to practising now. But this sucks. Just feeling very depressed suddenly. Its gross and everyday, I'm constantly reminded that most of my friends have flown. Maybe its just me. but there's something wrong somewhere but I just can't put my finger on it. So many things I wanna do, so many people I wish were still here, but I can't do them all. And thinking about uni makes me both excited and scared. It's exciting but what lies beyond is the sudden thrust of the adult responsibilities onto oneself which I am obviously not prepared to shoulder. Where were those carefree days in RG when we could walk to Far East or down Orchard Road and just spend the whole day losing ourselves in the malls and window shopping and reading at Kino? And still have the energy to bounce to school the next day? Or those in RJ when we had all the fun times in the labs, during tutorials, lectures? the bane of growing up. I hate it. I'm beginning to sound like a little girl. But I really want my childhood back. I want to lie down beside the sea at Pasir Ris Park and count the shooting stars or sit on the sandy shores and dig for seashells just like I did when I was a kid. But there's no turning back now I guess.

2007-08-07T05:40:00.000-07:00

Has it been long since I last blogged? I read my last entry before coming here and I actually thought someone else hacked into my account and wrote it. But yeah. I love long walks. I love walks in which you could take your time and think quietly, all alone and not be disturbed. I really enjoy running errands in and around the hospital for my collegues. Rows and rows of nondescript off-white corridors, occasionally punctuated by a door there with some really small tag on the front that says "OT Changing Room" or " Staff Room" and that's where I slip into my own world of thinking about my future, in between dodging patients on wheelchairs or squeezing between the long trolleys and the off-white walls or punching the elevator button. It helps that the hospital is one big labyrinth. Twists and turns that guarantee confusion. And then sometimes I think how sad that I'm going to have to leave this all behind. Chucked away in the memories box and maybe one day pull it out again and blow the dust off it and remember fondly of all the days I spent at the hospital, the odd silence in those long corridors, the humming of the ventilator, the heat in the wards, the brown mosaic tiles of the stairs, the stairwell that echoes incessantly even after you've left it, the chilly cold day surgery and OT, the swinging automatic doors that I always play a little game with, trying to run as close as possible into it and letting it swing open in my face, missing it by a few inches and feeling all-important because hey! something anticipated my arrival and opened the door for me! It's gonna be sad that I'm leaving. But all good things must come to an end. For better things to begin. For better or for worse. A great experience.

2007-07-03T05:27:00.000-07:00

I shall say this with a sigh.
I should be practising my violin now,
but I'm here, blogging on my computer,
yawning and struggling to stay awake.
barely awake.
my violin is beckoning me.
I can't ignore it.
yesterday,
I went to see marilyn off at the airport.
Reached there 3 hours earlier and just sat at Coffee Bean,
reading the bible.
I do like the airport.
That ephemeral feeling, that holiday atmosphere.
which reminds me... I actually dragged Paul there on the last day of VBS
to watch the planes take off and munch on nachos.
Good memories
haiz.
oh and today as I was walking home,
I saw the sky in a beautiful ballerina pink shade,
that faded to purple as it ascended.
And I realised more acutely that our Heavenly Father made all these
that our little problems and troubles,
how much do they count for
in light of all His creations?
when you look into the face of a young child,
one fully understands what He means by
"made in the likeness of God"
because they are so innocent, so pure, so beautiful
and sometimes when I step on that crunchy looking leaf,
I realise the fragility and ephemeralness of life.
how long do we have here, on earth?
it's like putting an expiry date on everything
and you realise that nothing lasts forever.
and even ourselves,
one day we'll grow old and all our dreams, our hopes will be but a thing of the past
and what then do we look forward to?
if human relationships fail to outlive us?
and who we were when we were young,
rich, famous, beautiful, talented, respected...
does it matter anymore?
sometimes I think I chase too much for the worldly possessions
and then I stop and think,
maybe its so much easier just to do His will.
and He will make my path straight.

2007-06-02T08:40:00.001-07:00

haiz feeling quite shit now.
i just hate this whole "i don't know what to do" phase in my life
i guess its so much easier to let God take the wheel,
sigh
i miss Oafie
i miss Charm
i'm scared of the unknown
i think everyone chooses their path in future now
i can't seem to decide on mine
everyday the docs at my workplace ask "so how? what have you decided?"
and i say "i don't know man"
And i really don't.
Mavis is a sad sad girl.
Very very sad
my only aim in life now is to get distinction for violin dip
so everyday i don't think.
just come home from work and saw away on my violin.
Bach's Partita no. 3
i'm so screwed.
Talked to Oafie for a pretty long time yesterday,
mostly talking rubbish
but still, i really miss my best friend!
sigh
life sucks
i'm getting cynical
I used to envision myself leading a quiet life,
one that i'll surely know where I'm going
and you know, stay within the comfort zones..
but God just sat and laughed at my plans
He put my life into the blender
and now, i'm forced to take a step into the wilderness,
into unchartered waters
someday i know i'll look back and praise Him for everything that has happened
but i fear that day will be too far away
Will i still remember the events that plagued me during these dark days, then?

2007-04-15T05:59:00.000-07:00

it's my second post today. i really miss charm. I do. my wacky, witty, smart sister. its been so long. i miss you woman! i really do. your room still smells strongly of you and your Escada perfume. every time i walk into the room, i think of you. but yeah man. you're my pillar of strength and just the right person to go to in times of need. Practical, down to earth and teaching me never to give up. I won't. Mavis never says die and she's not about to now. if you people out there think I can't do it, I'll show you I can. It's MY life to lead. NOT yours to say whether I can make it or not. Eat that.

2007-04-15T02:55:00.000-07:00

it's been so long and a hell of emotional ride for me. I miss Oafie and Charm so much! It's so different to talk in person and on the phone and I've been blasting my phone bills making overseas calls. I miss you, Oafie! I miss you loads and loads and loads. I guess God has a reason for everything. Maybe this could be a blessing in disguise. We never know, we never second guess Him and maybe you're right that good comes out of everything. Maybe you're right too that we'll be happier elsewhere. I just miss you so so much. Sometimes I think WHAT THE HELL. It's NOT everything. And maybe it really ISN'T EVERYTHING. At the end of the day, its back to the same question of "SO WHAT?". I think He's speaking. To move on. To spread your wings and fly. There are alot more out there than this. And indeed there is. We're just too contrived, too stiffled in here. One day, we'll look back and think what the shit. I chased for something that I thought was my dream but all it turned out to be was just the illusion of a dream. The glitters of it, but not the gold. I've said enough. But then again, its what I don't say that bothers me the most.

2007-03-27T23:26:00.000-07:00

I think my silence must have haunted many around me. I just wanna say sorry for ignoring all your calls, smses, emails, instant messages, etc. And I still won't be replying them anytime soon. It's been really tough these days, coz I either come home to an empty house or get stressed till I can't breathe. It's very difficult to live alone with my parents. I think they sporadically care too little or too much and that straggles me. The whole tense atmosphere when they tell you what they want you to do instead of letting you choose your destiny. I visit hell every now at then right here on earth. Heaven will always be so far away. I seek solace at work everyday. I think people were right when they said to forget your personal problems, just throw yourself into your work. It helps it really does. My life seemed to have ended when work ends. And I don't really want to leave the clinic. Sometimes I stand by my window in the dead of night and stare into the blackness, and wonder when will this nightmare end. This whole nightmare of my life in chaos. And it isn't that I can't turn to anyone for that matter. It's just that I feel burdens are for shoulders strong enough to carry them. Been talking to very few people these days and of the few people I talk to, fewer know everything that has been happening. I think apart from my family members, only Clue and Oafie. But somehow, that's enough. Somehow, with so many voices, however soft, one loses her ability to think independently.

2007-02-25T05:17:00.004-08:00

How do I even begin? Sometimes, I like to see the world behind rose-tinted glasses, to pretend that the flaws don't exist. But its getting increasingly tougher each day. The ways of the secular world. I think we all come to our senses and realise it sooner or later. This ugly truth. I can't believe I'm cynical about the world around me already, at age 18. It's probably because I hate rejecting people. But I feel if its within my capability, I'm more than happy to do it. But really, don't push it. Because sometimes, when you get accused of something you didn't do, the feeling really sucks. And I'm just being nice enough to swallow it.

2007-02-25T05:17:00.003-08:00

2007-02-25T05:17:00.002-08:00

2007-02-25T05:17:00.001-08:00

2007-02-25T05:17:00.000-08:00

2007-02-24T02:34:00.000-08:00

It's been such a long long time since I last updated this space. I think the silence got a little too deafening for those around me.
I was walking home yesterday in twilight, when the last rays of the day were threatening to retreat behind the clouds. The sky was coloured a beautiful shade of turquoise and for a moment, time seemed to have sucked in its breath and stopped. The trees on the sidewalk fluttered its leaves, quietly at first, then as if in a welcoming gesture of the night, they bent. Oddly enough, the streets were empty, not a single soul and the dogs seemed to have forgotten to bark. It was silent all the way home. And odder still, i relished the silence. It's so rare these days when you're greeted with pure silence, neither uneasy nor frightening. And it's in these silences that one lives again. When the existence of one's being is felt, thoroughly.
Somehow, i feel twilight accentuates your feelings of the day. It's as though its doing its last and final duty of wrapping up your day. For me, most of the time, twilight has never failed to evoke that sad, sinking feeling, of the day coming to an end, opportunities of the day closing its doors in your face. And who knows? What tomorrow might bring. But I think when one feels happy in twilight, the feeling is euphorism at its best.
God spoke to me last night. Really. He spoke as though He was right there, in front of me. and He answered every single one of my requests. One by one, in the manner that I asked. Could one ask for more? It's true when they say we serve a living God and we read the living Word. Because we really do. what happened last night was really a testimony to that. and sometimes, I feel that twilight is one of God's little ways to make us feel human and pure again, after a day in the secular world...

2006-12-21T05:31:00.000-08:00

Boo! I haven't blogged in so long! My foot hurrts. Really. I don't know what happened to it. But I think I tore something in it. On wednesday, I practically dragged my foot downstairs in the morning to iron my clothes. Anyway, tuesday was fun. Went out with maryann and we watched "midnight sun" the movie. I wouldn't say it was an Oscar worthy movie. But I much prefer this to those Oscar contenders with too serious scripts dripping with political satire or historical controversies or human emotional madness. It was simple and sweet. And it made me believe in love all over again, when I just told a friend that love is nothing but a product of our imagination and a consequence of our loneliness. I don't take what I say back though. In a cynical way, it is. ok. I'm distracted now. Coz daddy's playing this piece on his hi fi and I kinda played it before. So it's deja vu. I feel like I'm back in the orchestra, playing the piece. Wait. let me enjoy the rest of the piece first............Awesome. The ending was AWESOME. ok. back to where I was. It is true in a cynical way. but sometimes I think we all get too blinded by it. It isn't a bad thing, to be blinded. Somehow, being blinded makes the whole experience sweeter and purer. But sometimes, I wonder if we made a beautiful coat and put it on him, only to fall in love with the coat instead. And sometimes, it's as though we're chasing this mesmerising multi-coloured bubble, only to realise that its beauty fades and the pretty bubble we fell in love with has disappeared into thin air. I guess the beauty faded. The pretty bubble burst. He took off the coat. And love turned into indifference overnight. I like to see love as a coincidence. ok. another piece that i played before is playing again. let me enjoy it first....... :) nice. it ended. heehee. Yeah. Oh wells. I still got my friends around. I don't live nad breathe and others affections. :) :) :)

2006-12-09T23:47:00.000-08:00

oh crap. I'm sick. I don't know how I'm gonna organise the class outing properly. Bad throat, cough and I keep perspiring even in an air-con room. Oh and i'm performing tonight for a concert. ok. Crap. And I'm working tomorrow and for the rest of the week, 8 to 6pm. No joke. Plus class outing on thursday night. I won't be surprised if I fall flat on that day. I'm in such a bad state and bad shape now. So all you 3mers out there, who are reading my blog, please try to make it down for the class outing this thursday night. Your poor friend here is slogging to make it a success despite her bad condition. ok. please reply if you're coming ok. please please please. or i'll really fall flat on that day. boohoohoo.

2006-12-07T04:35:00.000-08:00

Grad night came and went. I looked freaking fugly that night. GROSS. That's my own opinion. Anyway, I won't say I thoroughly enjoyed grad night. Poooooffff. It was more like a show and tell session for everyone. Everything about it was fake. Eeeww.. Ok. I'm probably the only weird soul here who doesn't like it. But then again, I'm weird. Even my violin teacher who has known me for 10 years said so. My frequency is way off. Although I conceal my weirdness really well around people who haven't known me THAT long. Coz once they know me, they realise I really live in my own world. Oh wells.. Take it or leave it. that's just me. And I love the way I am now.
I'm getting sick! Yuck. And I wish I could go on a long holiday, somewhere cold and wintery perhaps. But its not gonna be the case. i'm so bored here in Singapore. And what's worse. Everyone's pairing up. As in getting attached. So it's always like "oh.. but i'm going out with (insert their bf's name)..some other time perhaps?" Haiz. Sometimes i just like to sit at Orchard and watch the couples. It's so sweet. But then, it's like giving an empty house a new coat of paint, romanticism on the outside but loneliness inside. And then there's always this nagging feeling that Oafie's going away. So it's like on top of that loneliness comes sadness.. oh wells. Sometimes I think all who become close to me just end up leaving me. Not in a bad way, but we'll always be separated by the physical distance between us. I think it's fair, in a way. Afterall, I'm not so much a home and hearth kind of person. So it only makes sense that like and like can be close friends. hmm. I should stop mopping around and feeling sorry for myself. Coz it's dumb. I think I'm going town tomorrow to find Oafie.

2006-12-01T19:47:00.000-08:00

The past few days have been so memorable. Class chalet rocked. By my standards. There weren't alot of people who went. But those who did made it memorable. I think the second day was cooler. We actually decided to leave the chalet at about 11.15pm at night to do something as a class. There were like 8 of us, Zit, Deborah, Wenyan, Steph, Anyi, Zikai, David and I. So yeah, we took a taxi down to City Hall wanting to go bowling. We had thought the bowling alley would be open till 3am in the morning. It was freaking difficult to get into the shopping centre at that time k. We actually had to go by the back door, through Oriental Hotel. At long last, we reached the bowling alley and the guy said they only opened till 3 on weekends. DAMN. Imagine our disappointment. We just sat there and ok.... plan B. Now what? So we went walking around. And Anyi said he was hungry. We wound up at Glutton's Square, beside Espl eating. It was supposedly quite boring until we saw bouncers chasing this guy who refused to pay up. Suddenly, I thought I was watching a Hong Kong movie. Yes. It was THAT drama. But boy, do the bouncers really run fast. ok. So we walked down Singapore river after eating until we reached the bridge in front of Fullerton Hotel. Then Zit said she was tired and sat down. Then we all sat down and before long, we were all sleeping. There on the walkway, just before going under the bridge, in the middle of nowhere. It was about 2am in the morning and passerbys thought we were mad. 8 people lying on the ground, sleeping in a row. But we were tired! After a while, someone woke up. I can't remember who. And we all followed suit. Someone wanted to go to the Merlion, which was just across the river from where we were. I can't remember who. (Now you get how tired I was...) So we got up and walked across the bridge. At the Merlion, we actually saw flying fishes. I never knew there were so many of them there. And they were huge! oh. We continued sleeping at the Merlion. Anticlimax. We woke when this group of Caucasians came down to the Merlion area for a SWIM. You guessed it. They actually went in their trunks and bikinis at 3am in the morning for a swim in the Singapore River, just beside the Merlion. Oh wells, things people do. I think this one guy got too excited and he cut his leg. An ambulance came to get him. I think he just ruined his own holiday. After that, we all went back to sleep, this time sleeping in a circle. At about 4 in the morning, this Caucasian traveller, still with his backpack on came and sat on the granite cubes near us and stared at us. He asked Anyi what we were doing. And I think Anyi said we were waiting for the first train to start. He gave all of us this quizzical look. We looked too rich to be homeless and too tame to be rebels. the night ended and we made our way back to the chalet. Our little adventure out. WEEEEE...

Oh. yesterday was YO concert. :) It felt so weird to be sitting as an audience rather than playing. Couple of times I wished I were on stage instead. Like when they played Bolero. oh wells. I'm quite tired now. Boohoohoo. Shan't type anymore.

2006-11-24T00:44:00.000-08:00

It feels weird that A's are over. I have so many things to do!!! Gonna start by practising my violin. I haven't touched it in months and months and my fingers are growing stiff! boo. I've decided I wanna learn how to play Butterfly Lovers. Yeah.. the love story of Liang Shan Bo and Zhu Ying Tai. It's not easy to master it but I'm going to. Judy thinks I'm a hopeless romantic. That isn't the case ok. I just think it's a beautiful beautiful piece that I wanna learn to play. What else... hmm. Oh, yesterday, Paul, Charm and I went out. It'd seem as though I'm the lightbulb, but I really didn't feel so haha. Paulie's nice and funny and what not. Plus, I'm just the kid sister they both decided to bring out. We went to Fish and Co. and I was scaring him about the maggots in the swordfish which he was abt to tuck into. haha. Oh we saw this bunch of RJ guys having some coup de grace and they were like staring at me. Coz what else.. I was in uniform with a really tall guy and a professional-looking lady (my sis). And we hung around looking at the menu and kidding around for a really long time before going in. Anyways, the world is a really small place. Or should I say Singapore. We were served by none other than Phil! Yes. Oafie's little brother. Ok. He isn't little alright. He's tall. Extremely tall. 186cm to be exact. And like what Oafie said, he's handsome alright. haha. But he's still the kid brother, just like I'm the kid sister. oh wells. Charm and I ate seafood platter for 2! Awesome. I love seafood. WAHH. and to think Clara, Wenyan and I ate at a Japanese restaurant for lunch and I had soft-shell crabs. Oh. Going out with them is hilarious! We took neoprints and I felt like a secondary school girl again. We were punching in stuff we didn't understand into the machine coz it was all in Japanese. And the camera sure worked fast!! Oh man. It was snapping non-stop and before we knew it, it was over! haha. We looked dumb in the pictures. But heck. Tis what we'll remember when we grow old anyway! Oh. And I found smurf! SMURF!!! haha. Practically dragged Charm and Paulie to check out my smurf. I love smurfs. Love them. Told Paulie that they live under toadstools and if he ever finds one under them, he's gotta keep them for me! hahaha. ok. I'm childish. Dont' repeat that. :P Anyway, yesterday was a memorable day. The last day out in Orchard in my school uniform. I'll never wear it again. boo. I always thought RJ girls' uniform was pretty. Just like I always loved my RG uniform. :) hmm. ok. that's all. I'm bored.

2006-10-09T06:20:00.000-07:00

Life in RJ is coming to an end. This wednesday, we'll kiss the memories of lectures, tutorials and lab sessions goodbye. Funny how we always forget everything we are supposed to have learnt in school, but remember all the seemingly academically unimportant details like the pranks on teachers and messing up the lab, and our chapteh sessions at the back of the classrooms and class pe with tennis and netball on friday mornings and afternoons. I think I'll miss almost everyone in 3M and maybe one day when I step back into RJ as a working professional, I'll feel mischievous and stupid all over again. Much as I say I didn't quite grow as a person here in RJ, the friendships forged makes up for all of that. Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever ever meet again after leaving school and struggling to carve out a future for ourselves in the big big world. Will we still be our same old silly selves when we get back together? Or will we be so hardened by the ways of the world that we become weary shells of our former self? Will we return much wiser or more disillusioned? Part of me is excited about leaving school, leaving the whole monotony of timetables and fixed flag-risings.. but what would life be like with so much freedom? Freedom that rushes towards one like a huge gale of wind that sweeps one off her feet. Will we allow this wind to pick us up and spin us out of control?

2006-09-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

Hey! I'm back. Today's like the most uneventful day.. Charm's out with Paul having their chocolate buffet at Fullerton Hotel. So I'm stuck all alone at home. Bored. This is what you get when you're still single. So I'm the little sister that my big sis was supposed to bring me to Fullerton and have chocolate buffet too. But too bad. They made reservations for 2 only. 2 only!!!!! What's this?! So Charm said I'll have to sit on the floor if I wanna go. Ok. So that explains why I'm in front of the comp instead of at Fullerton. Anyway, I've tried to busy myself lately. Watched Beauty and the Beast and got called little girl by Jerms. haha. I know I'm quite childish at times.. But great is the man who has not lost his child-likeness. Oh and I think this Chinese actress is really pretty. She's the most beautiful lady I've ever seen! Anyone reading this would think I'm a lesbian. But I'm not k. ok. That's her above.

2006-09-22T04:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the last day of prelims. May, Lyd and Yii wen wanted to watch Singapore Dreaming. Which I didn't want to. So I had 2 hours to kill before we met for lunch again. Was deciding what to do with my time when I met oafie! It was so coincidental! I was going up the escalator towards Tangs market. And I saw Oafie going down. Needless to say, we ended up prowling the streets together. It was so great! It's been such a long long time since we last went out together. I guess it's always like that with old friends. they can be miles away from you. But deep down inside, you know that no matter what, she'll always be there when you need her. we went to Zara first and it was really funny how we realised we both love winterwear! And get all feely about it here in hot, humid Singapore. hey. but not any longer. She'll be off to Australia soon and I'll be left here. *hey girl, yes! You'll be gg there! I've always believed that*Boohoohoo! We walked aimlessly for a really long time before I had to meet my friends for lunch. But hey. it was the best 2 hours I've ever spent. After that, I watched The Banquet with Yii Wen. It was a beautiful movie. And I really mean beautiful. the cinematography was awesome. It blows you away, much like many other wuxia Chinese films. i never knew the imperial courts looked so zen. Goodness. Yii Wen thinks Daniel Wu's character in the show is totally useless. Quoted from the girl herself, "who runs away to learn arts and music when your dad steals your lover, only to come back to take revenge and end up having the target kill himself?" I think he's good-looking alright, but the script didn't do his character justice. I mean, come on. You're the Crown Prince. The rightful heir to the throne. Why should the Imperial Guards kill you? What's the talk about the ancient Chinese being loyal to the rightful Emperor? Or do they drift with the wind? Anyhow, I think he did say something that stuck on. "If one understands another, there will be no loneliness. There will always be loneliness because we don't truly understand each other." I think if the Emperor's character were to be expanded upon, it would be great. Coz I think Ziyi was given too much screen time. Oh and did I mention? I think there's incest. Between the General Xin and his sister, Qing, played by Huang Xiaoming and Zhou Xun. At first, it was so sweet to see a brother, scheming and crafty, loving his sister so earnestly. But it got a little out of hand when he hugged her more like a lover than a sister. And it was heart-wrenching when he held his dying sister and kissed her. In the end, everyone dies. It's so Shakespearean! oh, Yii Wen, i found out who killed Ziyi, from Jen. She said, it's the ghost of the late Emperor, Wu Luan's father. Anyways, it was a great movie. Lots of eye-candies, like Daniel Wu and Huang Xiaoming. Yii Wen, the latter's good-looking k, more good-looking than Daniel Wu, I should think. He's got more character and is more suave. It was a good show. I think it taught us alot about sacrifice. How brotherhood and love can bring one to give up his life to save another. In more ways than one, I think the Emperor was not as cold blooded as protrayed explicitly. He had loved Empress Wan and up to the time he died, he had only treated her with kindness and love.
Ok. I'm so damn tired of typing now. Sigh. But anyway, after the show, Jen and I went to surprise Raisa for her birthday! haha. Happy Birthday, girl! You're saucy 18 now! :D We left early without eating the cake and went instead to a Japanese restaurant. Had a nice long chat with an old friend, Jen. haiz. That's the thing about old friends. they're like the comfortable canvas shoes you retire into after having to totter on glamourous stilettos for the whole day. We talked about so much stuff. it was interesting to realise that even though we learned the ropes of life the hard way in RG, of being backstabbed and trampled upon, it was also the place where we found true friends, the place we really grew as a person. The place which made us all stronger, more intuitive, more discerning. I think we half-live, here in RJ. Forever in a masquerade, hidden behind the colourful masks. Masks we paint according to the situation. I think over here, it's like communicating to one and another in water, where the unfamiliar environment swallow our words and convey only a vague idea of what we really mean to say. All we do is guess at each other's meanings, half hoping we were right. It's like being in a new environment, all excited about the prospect, but when it comes down to it, we really are uncomfortable in it. And sometimes in water, we only see things so shadowy, we don't see that single tear, for we notice only the wide crescent of our mouths, mistaking it for a smile. We don't hear the tiny sniffle, we live in our world of silence, eternally in a mime. And when the going gets too tough, we break through the water surface and escape it all. Leaving the mess behind us, beneath us.

2006-09-15T06:29:00.000-07:00

It's in the middle of prelims. I don't know what I'm doing online. Was just pretty troubled these days. Not just the horrid papers. but so much more. Realised I backslided alot and it's really the exams taking a toil on my own relationship with God. It has morphed into something I don't like. And I really hate myself for it. For always taking Him as one who will provide for my needs and nothing more. I don't think I deserve His grace anymore. Quiet times are reduced to early morning prayers to the purplish, pinkish sky, sending my prayers heaven-wards like little invisible puffs of smoke. I don't want to keep walking down this spiritually-draining path. Coz I know I owe Him so much, my life, my circumstances, everything. But i don't know if God still listens anymore. After I've been like crap, ignoring my Creator for days on end. When daddy quotes from the bible in the morning, I get this heavy, sad feeling. I want to walk back towards Him. After i've drifted so far off, that my life is spinning out of control now. Crap and only I can help myself draw closer to Him. I remember how I used to sing the Care Chorus in primary school and feeling so safe and warm in His unconditional, abundant love. Now I feel void. Will I still find Him inside me again, after all this while?

Care Chorus

I cast all my cares upon You,
I lay all of my burdens,
down at your feet,
for anytime that I don't know,
What to do...
I will cast all my cares upon You..

"Casting all your cares upon Him for He cares for you" 1 Peter 5:7

I think I'm gonna take a u-turn and walk towards the light. Towards Him. I'm going back to my beginnings. From where the proof of my existence begin. Lord, I'm coming back to you.

"Trust in God with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; but in all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:6

2006-09-04T01:59:00.000-07:00

Never realised how much I missed my childhood until yesterday when Maryann and I talked about our primary school days.. I can't believe it's been so many years since we last don that blue pinafore with the distinctive white belt, girl! We talked till 3am! the memories were so bittersweet. It's like reliving that time of our life when our world still revolved around mummy and daddy and that scary teacher. Reminiscing some of the memories really made us laugh so hard, I think I choked a couple of times. I remembered the time when we went to the zoo in p5 and SOMEONE wanted to go to the vegetable garden. (May, if you're reading this, don't laugh.. we were in it together :P) I think we were really brave because we were allowed to wonder around the zoo by ourselves, so Maryann, May and I decided to go along with Maryann who wanted to go to the vegetable garden. Until today, I still can't believe we went to the zoo to visit the VEGETABLE garden. Until today, Maryann keeps denying she was the one who suggested it. and it was erhmm. almost 7 years ago. Nevermind. So we went to the garden and one of us saw a bee. So someone shouted bee!!! and everyone just ran as fast as we could. Although no one actually saw the bee. I could still remember Maryann turning all red and laughing her weird giggle. Oh wells. What nice memories. :) yeah, then we took a mental walk through the whole school, the eerie disgusting toilets before the renovation and the massive and seemingly frightening hall to our little eyes. hey girl, I hated the hall during the afternoons too k. Oh, and we talked about our teachers! The scary lower primary teachers who used to terrorise us. And the classroom sitting arrangement! HAHA. We both liked the second row inner seat of the 'E' shaped tables! It was so cosy! Eh. I remembered that too! hey one more thing, girl. You were in Archer and I was in Dodsworth! :) Oh and the pond at the back of the school we huge terapines inside, and how kids kept falling into the pond.. and the nice quadrangle in the middle of the school with the nice little bridge over the pond filled with Japanese carps.. and the canteen and the food.. i think we all look back and the times we remember most vividly at those that have shaped us most into who we are today..

2006-09-01T05:19:00.000-07:00

Velvet skies. Sometimes we feel so left behind. Forgotten. Is that the right word? I have no idea. Mum used to say I liked to do things myself so much, it made her job as a mum easier. Yeah, sure. I do. I was always the independent one. The one everyone assumed could easily find a place for herself in the world. Yeah, I still can. The one who looked like all of life's worst could be thrown at her and she could still pick up the shreds and smile. Yeah, I smile so often yeah? Everyone said I smiled so often as a child, that was all they could remember me by. The happy child. But why do I feel like I'm paying back for all my smiles now? Why do I feel so left out now? Yeah, sure. I'm the independent one, the one who could always manage (struggle) on her own. Velvet skies. No one really appreciates its colour huh? Sometimes I think we take for granted what's there. Yeah, it's night, so the sky's dark. How dark? No one really realises. On days when twilight bathes the whole town in it's unearthly yellow light, the night sky becomes purplish-blue, a little surreal, a little endearing. Velvet skies.

2006-08-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

I'm really sorry about the previous post. It's not really the real me, so I decided to delete it. I just got so mad at someone. I've never been made that mad before. So I guess I really blew it. But I decided to forgive and possibly forget. Ok. So yeah. the episode's over and done with.

2006-07-25T04:58:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I last blogged. Been ill, physically and emotionally. Like I said, I think the faint candle breathed its last and died within me. This nagging sadness. There really isn't anyone I can tell to who will really understand me now. What's left of me? I think we don't remember much of our lives, there're some times in our lives that simply bleed like ink in the wash, where memories are nebulous. Times we hate to look back on, because they usually accompany unhappy thoughts. I think these 2 years will be the grey in my life. That spot that represents anguish, young love, heartbreaks, disillusionment, etc.

2006-07-13T06:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my last YO concert. The feeling sucks. Really. People were all getting teary and red eyed. And yeah, I would have felt that way if someone hadn't spoiled my mood. But now, come to think of it, it saved me from crying yesterday. It's gone now. All's gone. It's taken away from me and it's never going to be returned. Worse, I don't have many photos of myself to capture those moments of intense happiness. I guess it'll only continue to live in my memory, tucked away in some precious corner in my mind, where I can sometimes pry it open and peer inside, and relive those moments, close my eyes and feel myself back in VCH again, the music above me, around me, beyond me. The sadness that envelops me, choke me. The euphoria that raises me, and sweep me away. It's all that's left. And in it's place, is a big hollow void in my heart. YO is like the best thing that has ever happened in my life, aside from all the great friendships forged. Something I'll never ever regret having done. I've forged so many wonderful friendships, friends who feel as deeply and emotionally for it as me, friends who make me laugh.. I've truly spent wonderful years with you all. It can be stressful at times, yeah in YO, esp when you're in the conductor's line of sight, but everything's worth it when the final swish of the baton ends a dramatic piece and you hear the appreciative applause and stare into the blackness in front of you, becuase the stage lights blind you. When will I ever experience it again? I guess I'll leave it blank. I don't wanna nail the final nail into the coffin. Forever hoping that what's dead will awaken again. Maybe I'm cheating myself, maybe I'm just daring to dream.

2006-07-10T03:47:00.000-07:00

The days crawl with the feet of lead towards the 12 these days. Maybe it's just me. Stalling for time. Somehow, there's this small, flickering candle of joy surrounding that day. I can't see beyond that. It fades to darkness that stretches to infinity. This isn't withdrawal symptom. I know because something tells me it's more than that. I've been living in the dream for too long, never realising that it is a dream that I'll have to wake up from one day. Maybe now I see the reality clearer and clearer from behind the fog and it's mocking me. For having no guts to continue living my dream despite the odds. I think we all have to face this sometime or another, the drudgery of challenges or the pain of regret. I think we choose the latter because it belies a simpler life but it's deceiving, much like many other good things. We pay back through years of regret, of having no courage to try.

I Will Carry You
by Clay Aiken

Yeah, I know it hurts
Yeah, I know you're scared
Walkin' down the road that leads
To Who-Knows-Where

Don't ya hang your head
Don't ya give up yet
When courage starts
To disappear
I will be right here

When your world
Breaks down
And the voices tell you,
Turn around
When your dreams give out
I will carry you

Carry you
When the stars go blind
And the darkness starts to
Flood your eyes
When you're fallin' behind
I will carry you
Everybody cries
Everybody bleeds
No one ever
Said that life's
An easy thing
That's the beauty of it
When you lose your way
Close your eyes
'N' go to sleep
And wake up to
Another day

When your world
Breaks down
And the voices tell you,
Turn around
When your dreams give out
I will carry you

Carry you
When the stars go blind
And the darkness starts to
Flood your eyes
When you're fallin' behind
I will carry you
You should know now
That you're not alone
Take my heart and we will find
You will find
Your way home

When your dreams
give out
I will carry you
Carry you
When the stars
Go blind
And the darkness starts to
Flood your eyes
When you've fallen
Behind
I will carry you
Carry you
I will carry you
Carry you
I will carry you
Carry you
I will carry you

2006-07-07T01:58:00.000-07:00

It's my Life
by Bon Jovi

This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

It's my life
It's now or never
But I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your owns breaks

It's my life
And It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live when I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend don't break, baby don't back down

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live when I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said "I did it my way"
I just want to live while I'm alive

It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live when I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said "I did it my way"
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life!

2006-07-05T04:17:00.000-07:00

Whatever. Whatever, whatever. these days, the only thing i actually look forward to is going for YO. And after the 12 July, I think everything will dissolve. Whatever. Whatever. I can't bear to give up the idea of never playing for a concert again, never going to another concert. I don't want 12 to come! NO NO NO. URGH. Was watching the dvd taken of our Mozart Requiem Concert at VCH with the International Festival of Chorus, Metro Philharmonic Choir and City Choir, and I realised that sheesh. This isn't ever going to happen again after the 12. I hate this. You said you love shooting and cannot bear to give it up. Girl, I totally feel the same way about this. It's just something that makes my life complete. It's like losing a limb. Whatever, whatever. Am I the only fool to feel so much for this? To let go of something I've done for 9 years of my life? I can't even put into words what I feel. Forget it. You either understand it or you don't.

Anyway, I'll say this to carve the memory of my last concert.
SNYO Concert
12 July,
7.30pm
VCH
Tickets at Sistic.

We're playing the beautiful Shostakovich's Suite from "The Gadfly", Op 97a. Beautiful beautiful piece to end off and lots more.. yeah.

2006-06-30T05:15:00.000-07:00

Went out with Zhi Hui today! Am back at home, with a big headache. Splitting headache.. from lots of things. But going out with Zhi is damn fun! We met at Paragon asnd checked out United Colors of Benetton! Too bad the spring summer collection sucked. Guess has nothing but boring sale stuff. Then we went Heerens and nothing interested us enough. Man, I think that place is so juvenile. It's like stocked with pre-teens rubbish like stuff toys and slingbags.. eww. So we decided it'd make us gag if we remained any longer and decided to go Taka instead. That place was cooler. Checked out Tommy Hilfiger! I seriously think the designs are getting a little odd. And Zhi Hui agreed! It's like you can't really picture yourself wearing them.. not that they're skimpy or anything.. it's like neither casual nor formal. That odd, narrow bandwidth that caters to a certain fashion sense that is neither classy nor tasteful. But they do have the occasion classic piece. Hilfiger used to have such beautiful clothes! Where have they all gone to? Or maybe, we just don't have them here. Ok. then we made our way down to Taka Guess to see Charm. We didn't browse. I was checking out my sister. ;) *take that!* She told us to check out Zara next door, which was having a sale and I met Clara! :D Woohoo! Hehz.. she rebonded her hair! Ok. So Zhi and I got a little put off by the long queue to the fitting room and we decided to make our way down to Zara Liat and Wheelock instead. We met the same problem at Zara Liat and I swear the salesgirl should be sacked. What horrid service! She was so rude, so curt and so proud.. I don't really care if I'm being bitchy here. Because that girl deserves it. And it wasn't just me being pissed off by her service..(if what she offers is really called service) the other customers were pretty frustrated with her too. Oh wells. Forgive and forget. I'd probably never see her in my life again. Got nothing from Zara. So we went down stairs to Starbucks to have a drink. And guess who I met? Pretty girl Oafie! *muack* I was so happy to see her in such a long time! haha. She ran out from behind the counter and hugged me! hey girl! Take care k! We'll go out someday when you ain't working yeah? Zhi insisted that we return to Wheelock to check out Nike Golf, coz she needed some polos for her golfing trip tmr in Thailand. Okie doks! So we went to Nike Golf and guess what? They didn't stock nice collared plain polos! It's pretty dumb to buy those non-collared ones coz some clubs won't allow you onto the turf.. yeah. So we wasted our time. And finally, Zhi had to go home to pack her luggage for tmr and there goes our shopping adventure. Pretty eventful I would say...

Pretty pissed off with my other friend these few days.. we've been arguing non stop whenever we talk. Like hello, I'm entitled to my own opinions, just like you're to yours. And stop making me think like you, because we're different in our own ways. We talk, we don't brainwash. I'm stating the general facts of life. Facts that you're too afraid to face and acknowledge. Now tell me who's the one who's weak! We can't keep hiding behind a veil and watch the world spin from the curtains backstage. Enough said. And yeah, I'm not the girl that you can take out as and when you're bored, because I've got my own life to lead. I'm not the shirleys and michelles you have in your contact list. It's easy for you to get them, huh? Too bad it's not working on me. I'm a girl who has a mind of her own. If you want my respect, earn it. Urgh. I can't believe you're turning me into a hate-men machine. Actually, correction. You're turning me into a hate-you machine.

2006-06-29T07:04:00.000-07:00

Just came back from YO! It was so scary just now. Walked out of the small room after getting my defective cd replaced, I bumped into 2 dudes about to start a fight. I'm not kidding when I say about to fight. It almost got too physical, had not others come to separate them. So I quickly step out of the cross fire. Man.. almost got caught in the middle of it! Anyway, YO was great! AS USUAL. :D I always enjoy it.

Oh, Shu Xiang! Oh man. Haven't seen you in so long and now you're heading back! Anyway, practise hard yeah! Then someday, when I go to a concert, I'd probably see you playing professionally! All the best, dude! Take care and keep in touch! :D

oh and Ike.. hey! Not sure if you'll see this, but yeah. We're all just as sad as you are..yeah. So you're not in this alone..But always believe that when God opens the door, no one can close it. And He will open it, eventually, in His time when the time is right, cause He knows what's best for us. don't give up k! And I know Ting's pretty upset too... hey girl, we can't change our fates, but we've got to keep believing it'll get better.

Maryann... I know what you mean by you feel weird over it.. I felt the same way too. It's as though you don't know what to feel, yeah? At a loss for emotions. I felt that way when she passed on too.. upset, unbelieving. It's tough losing someone. But we've to learn to let go. In my mind, she still very much alive. It's as though she never really left, but just took a long break to Heaven. She's in a better place now, yeah, you've got to believe that, looking down from where she is. Be strong, girl! And the upcoming prelims and A's.. we'll walk through it together k. And come out alive. Trust me. :D

2006-06-24T03:33:00.000-07:00

Sheesh.
What happens when someone shatters the good image you had of someone else?
Urgh. Why do I not see the dark side?
You seemed perfect. Do you know?
I never knew. Had no right to know. So much.
Silence didn't use to be so haunting.
Beneath that exterior
Shiny beautiful surfaces are scary
like still water, you never know what's lurking beneath the placid surface.
Whatever.
I shouldn't have known so much
you would have remained forever perfect,
impeccable in my mind
Whatever.
you'll never know what I know anyway.
And I'll never know what you think either.
Sadly, I don't want to.
But anyhow,
I'll say this for you.
I give you my blessing wherever you may be.
For old times sake...

2006-06-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

hey. I'm screwed up. Totally. the only reason I'm still here blogging is because I'm trying to take a breather, or I'll die. Been listening to this song, NOT for the lyrics, (though it's sweet) but for the sad melody... the piano at the background's like raindrops falling... Listen to it! :D by Britney Spears.

Everytime

Notice me, take my hand
Why are we strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me

Everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I make believe that you are here
It's the only way I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry

At night I pray
That soon your face will fade away

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

2006-06-18T02:54:00.000-07:00

May It Be
By Enya

May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh, how far you are from home

Mornië utúlië (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornië alantië (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

May it be the shadows call
Will fly away
May it be your journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

Mornië utúlië (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornië alantië (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

A promise lives within you now

Was listening to this just now. It's beautiful! Almost Grecian, almost Celtic. But so Enya. No wonder it's the soundtrack of The Lord of the Rings! oh, Gareth! You are so sweet! haha. Thanks for everything! For the encouragement during the trying times in Chamber Ensemble, for your presence at the SYFC's Christmas concerts, (I really did appreciate having someone like you there!) .. and yeah the chocolate buttons were so cute! I hope you enjoyed your break in London! :D I can't believe you're actually staying on for the YO concert at the end of the year! ok then. I'll probably be there to support! :)

I just found out that Russian is a really cool language! I love the way they write Russian. It's coolness! Was trying to find out what the full title of Shostakovich's piece was, so I took out the scores. I kinda imagined it would be something I can read off the front page, and VOILA! I couldn't read it. It's unlike French where you can kind of deduce, or German, know what I mean? It isn't even in English alphabets. So I decided I'll try to learn it someday. Oh. It isn't only Russian I think is cool. Hebrew's cool too! The language itself sounds so comforting and gentle. Can you imagine God speaking it a long long time ago? I think I would fall asleep in His sermons. It can lullaby me to sleep. :P Not that it's boring!

2006-06-17T02:51:00.000-07:00

Just got back from YO.. I don't regret going for it at all. Played Shostakovich Suite from "The Gadfly", Op. 97a today.. it was beautiful. I can't even begin to describe it. When we came to mvt 7, it was so slow and melancholic, it wraps you into the mood of it. And yeah, you really feel it. Like what Mr Lim said, "it's just you and the music.." yeah. It really was. I like it when music such as this transports you away from the reality and bring you into another world, a world more beautiful, more soulful, than the one we're living in now.. it's like living again...

On a lighter note, I got this from Ting's blog! hmm.. don't mind yeah girl? Thought I would share this one. It's so sweet and meaningful.

"On the street I saw a small girl,
cold and shivering in a thin dress,
with little hope of a decent meal.
I became angry and said to God,
"Why do you permit this?
Why don't you do something about it?"
For a while, God said nothing.
That night, He replied quite suddenly,
'I certainly did do something
about it. I made you.'" -taken from Habitat for Humanity website

I think sometimes we're too caught up in the misery within us, we fail to see the misery around, fail to realise the purpose of our living. Yeah.... I don't wanna go through life thinking only about myself, my job etc. And when we look back on it, we haven't really lived a life! That would be one life wasted. Yeah, so what if one win medals, got that promotion, made so much money it could last generations.. it's all for yourself. The world won't lose anything if you were gone. It wouldn't have made any difference... but everyone gravitates towards working for their own survival. And when it one think about it, it's like we're all living in our own bubble, occasionally merging our little bubble with someone else's, someone whom we know and then floating off alone again. The world becomes so cold and distant. I wish I knew my aunt more. I wish everyone knew her more. If there were so many of her, we wouldn't have to find solace in music, seek a better world in the music... But what's gone is gone and she's never coming back. She was such a great lady, one of the very few selfless people I know. And I don't easily bestow respect on anyone, but she has my utmost respect. For her courage, her faith, her lovingkindness, her selflessness, her ability to love everyone around her...

Watched Desperate Housewives yesterday! And I actually learned something from the show! "The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Even if you hate someone it means you still have feelings for him.." Bree actually said that to her son! That's cool! and when you think about it, it's so true! hmm.. food for thought everyone!

2006-06-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

hey.. gosh. I think my blog's dead. No one visits it anymore la. Sheesh. oh wells, but i'm still writing in it right? :D Hmm.. Yu Shan's back from Norway I think. Hey girl, I'm so sorry for missing out on the dinner at Mache! But I had a family dinner and Dad was cooking fried rice! Gosh. My dad hardly ventures near the stove! I really actually considered going, but it was late when it ended. Sorry, girl. We'll meet up when we're more free k? Like when we can get more 409 people to turn up!

I just watched Kill Bill!!! :D Uma Thurman rocks. She's so pretty! Hehz.. and I'm beginning to take to the idea of being a professional assassin! It's cool know. The adrenaline when you kill someone, (I think I'm scaring those around me, with my gory inclinations) when you see their head roll and revenge turns sweet! Or how cool is it when you can actually aim so precisely into someone's heart with a flying knife? And I'm really attracted to the samurai form of art. Coolness. Wish I could own one of those Japanese steel! Oh, did I mention that I think the most stylish fighter is Lucy Liu? Whoever wears a kimono and walks on snow with nothing but socks and fight with a samurai sword, in a death duel? Ok, she's died in the end..but still? You get my drift. Really total coolness!!! hmm.. What else. oh. and I never knew the Black Mamba was the deadliest snake in Africa. It's bite to the face or neck can kill a human in 20mins. And erhmm.. something I learned from the movie, when you're in a tight lock of samurai swords, the best defence is to pluck the other person's eye out... Gross but deadly. you will win. No matter what!

Ok. This is getting too gory. I shall digrest. Let's see. Being a professional killer wasn't the only thing I wanted to be! I thought being a sharp shooter professional killer was cool enough. Now, I think it's cooler to fight with swords and knifes. (Why do I keep gravitating towards the gory details?) and I actually wanted to be a professional sky and base diver! And one thing I always wanted to be since young, a volcanologist! Fancy standing on red hot lava in special suits and watching nature spew it's fiery in red and orange! What else? Oh yeah. In secondary school, I was obsessed with fashion and film! I remember telling Jess I wanted to be a film director and fashion designer! And she was like "yeah! when i see your name scroll up after a film, you must remember me, yeah?" Sure thing, honey.. :) Isn't it cool? Oh and I wanted to have my own fashion show in Milan or London! But Charlotte said "girl, yeah, you can learn fashion. But it really depends if they take to your designs. At best, you make it big. At worse, you come home and set up a tailor shop. And sew zips..." ok. Now I think it's only a dream. Oh and the latest, I wanted to be a strawberry farmer! I wanted to make everything out of strawberry! No joke! I wanted a strawberry ship to ship my products, I wanted a strawberry truck, to transport my strawberries on land, I wanted to live right in the middle of my strawberry field! And I remember telling Oafie about it, and she was like "yeah girl, I used to visit strawberry farms often when I was in Durham,UK and even tried growing strawberries in a small plot of land in my backyard, but in the whole patch, I grew only 1 pathetic strawberry..." ok babe, I get your point...haha. But she agreed to support me whatever I intend to do! My best friend. The one God forgot to give as my sister! What else... oh. The most important. I wanted to be a missionary in Nepal or Cambodia. And Oafie said she wanted to go Africa. And I was like "I can't stand the heat!" I wanted to spread the word in Nepal, lead a simple life, smell the fresh air on the mountains, see the awesome sunset, etc. What else... oh yes. For a brief period of time last year, I wanted to go into the arts. Take up music, be a violinist, (until i realise i'm too amateur) or an artist! sigh. Ok. I'm talking a lot of rubbish..until then..

signing off..

2006-06-09T19:37:00.000-07:00

Jesus Take the Wheel
Carrie Underwood

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Goin' home to see her mama & her daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

[Chorus:] Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to a shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said, "I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight"

[Chorus:] Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

So accurate. Save me from this road I'm on. I'm letting go. So give me one more chance... Jesus, take the wheel.

2006-06-01T08:10:00.000-07:00

Gosh! Went Guess today to see Charm. Woo!! I love visiting that place! Got a pair of Guess stilettos! I'm on cloud nine! It's so pretty. Gosh. Now Charm tells me Aldo has a sale! I'm crazy over stilettos! Help!

2006-05-31T03:40:00.000-07:00

These days, the hours just bleed into one another, and the minutes fade...anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLARA!!! Love you loads! Now you're one year older, girl. so much for freedom and independence! love you love you love you!!!
Whoa. come to think of it, I really envy gareth and zhengyi in London! Gosh! How cool.. I wish i could go.. sigh

2006-05-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

What am i doing online? oh man. it's the concert tmr. Strangely, I feel damn sad. really damn sad. for all the struggling and reluctance to play for another chamber concert, suddenly I feel like this comfortable blanket being pulled away from me. Always, the warm comfortable blanket that I can retire to and relax in after a long day, it's going now. After tmr at about this time, I think I'll seriously cry. Man. Suddenly I realise I love performing in an orchestra, as part of a chamber ensemble. For braving the cold in the room, talking at the back, slacking and panicking over high notes that we can't reach easily through sight-reading... I'll really miss those days.Damn. i'm slipping into that state again. state of sentimentality. URGH. Suddenly, when i'm free to go and run and never come back to the ensemble room again, I don't wanna leave. I just wanna stay there even when the lights go off and feel the lingering coldness in the room, just staring, wanting time to stand still. It's like tearing a part of you away and never finding it back. Now, I think if I walk past the chamber room, I'll barge in. No matter who the heck is in there. I don't care. I just wanna go back, to the days where the J3s were still ard, when chamber meant so much to me. and then there was SYF, the pain, the struggle, the hardwork and finally the euphoria over our GWH. the rose that came with SYF, then Opus 5, and IFC at CHJIMES, the beautiful beautiful acoustics of that hall, RJC Opening Ceremony, the little library performance, and this, our last. IFC at VCH. So many beautiful memories that close when the curtains closes, a chapter closed, ended, forever. SHIT. I hate this. I hate it when sth you're so used to ends. SHIT.

2006-05-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

Just came back from VCH. For some odd reason, this year's IFC concert didn't touch me at all. Ok. So it's only a dress rehearsal. But I didn't feel the music floating above my head, didn't feel that magical feeling whenever I'm performing. It sucked. Mental note to get the scores photocopied so I can look through Janacek Mvt 7 and Requiem Mvt 2. YUCK. I think I contributed to most of the out of tune notes. okok, I'll practise. Esp Janacek. No joke. I figured it didn't matter where you sit, just play well. Uh huh. THat makes more sense. After that, Joy's dad was so kind to fetch us to the mrt. And Shi Rong and I got peach and lemon tea. Which sucked. They were from MOS and we suspected that they had already closed, but decided to entertain us since we looked jaded and dead. After that, we realised that City Hall MRT doesn't freaking have a dustbin. So we walked and walked in search of a DUSTBIN. And poor Shi Rong had rheumatism..and she just collapsed on top of her violin in the middle of nowhere. Luckily it was 11pm at night and not many people were there. FINALLY! We found a dustbin and Shi Rong said she'll remember that dustbin forever. Me too. I'll remember it forever. Eventful night. YUCk. For ONCE, I actually wanted rehearsal to end. Usually, I just liked it while it lasted and feel sad when it ends. But not this one. VCH usually gives me that outer-worldly feeling that surreal feeling esp when we're preparing for a concert and we end late, but not this one. Why? I wonder.......

2006-05-09T06:21:00.000-07:00

Performance at the library sucked. To put it bluntly. We were freaking unprepared, at least I was, and it was just screwed up. Ok. I didn't even know what pieces we were supposed to play. and when Jun meng placed the score on the stand, I was like. "What's this?" and he was like "We're playing it now!" and I was like "Crap! I've never seen this piece!" Ok. So I sight-read pretty badly. All thanks to my skipping the earlier last minute rehearsal in exchange for Physics lesson. Miss Wu! You must be proud of me. :) I vow to practise for chamber now. At least the pieces we are playing. So I won't have to sight-read freaking high notes that need me to press and pray. Haha. Which is pretty much what i do most of the time anyway. haha.

2006-05-02T04:16:00.000-07:00

Me Against the World
by Simple Plan

We're not gonna be just a part of their game
We're not gonna be just the victims
They're takin' our dreams and they tear them apart
Til' everyone's the same

I've got no place to go
I've got nowhere to run
They'd love to watch me fall
They think they know it all

I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they always said
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
But I'll make it on my own
I'm gonna prove them wrong
Me against the world

It's me against the world

We won't let them change how we feel in our hearts
We're not gonna let them control us
We won't let them shove all their thoughts in our heads
And we'll never be like them

I've got no place to go
I've got nowhere to run
They'd love to watch me fall
They think they know it all

I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they always said
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
But I'll make it on my own
I'm gonna prove them wrong
Me against the world
Me against the world.

AH.

Now I'm sick of this waiting
so come on and take your shot
You can spit all your insults
but nothing you say's gonna change us
You can sit there and judge me
Say what you want to
But we'll never let you win

I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they've always said
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
But I'll make it on my own
Me against the world

I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they've always said
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
I'm gonna prove them wrong
They'll never bring us down
But I'll make it on my own
We'll never fall in line
I'll make it on my own
Me against the world

I'm kind of resigned to the unfairness around. Spoke to Mark for pretty long yesterday and I realised there's really so much to learn from him. To let go, to not let it bother me. This is the last of my angst for the whole episode. I need to get it out once and for all. For to whom it may concern, the words in bold are meant for you. Yes. YOU. Quit smiling, and trying to patch up, because really, I don't give a damn anymore. I figured the truth is kinder than the lie in the long run. You've ruin my life enough. It's time for you to get out of my life, I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. Pretend we never met, pretend all this never happened. I guess it would be more bearable then.

2006-04-28T04:43:00.000-07:00

We FINALLY had our class outing today! Oh my gosh. Yeah, but it was cool. We went to The Roti Prata House. It's cool. And Dan actually managed to make us mix around. Ended up sitting next to Vipul who asked me weird questions like "Who do you like?" But he was kind enough to help me decide what I can eat even with my sore throat. So thanks so much dude! Class outing ended quite abruptly when everyone started going off. Yeah, but a few of us decided to go down to support the table tennis finals at Toa Payoh Sports Stadium. And got grilled by Vipul and now Shifu again on the bus back to school. But yeah! It was a great day. We should do this more, 3m! :)

2006-04-27T08:36:00.000-07:00

Suddenly I could
feel the raindrops,
feel the chill of the winds,
the sad symphony of the grasses,
watch the grey canvas unfold above me.

Is it so hard to let go? Let go of all the injustice meted out? Let go of all the unfairness you made me swallow?

These 2 weeks seem to last for eternity. I never knew that anger could consume you, jealousy could kill you. I never knew that you're not judged by your worth, but by how others see you. Whether they like you or not. I never knew the intensity of a human's thirst for power and dominion. I never knew someone like you could let your grudges, your anger, your jealousy, rule you. Go ahead. Tell me YOU're so great. Do you honestly think your judgement of me could really change my worth? Did you think we were all so blind to your ulterior motives, your selfish ambitions, your personal attacks? Did you really think that you would feel better by putting us "in our place"?
Honestly, I'm shocked by your morals. Or what's left of it. (or was there any to begin with?)Come to think of it, I really shouldn't be. I can't conceive the idea of anyone resorting to do what you did in order to feel good about yourself. To boost your pride. Right now, I don't just have an idea of someone actually doing what you did. I'm DISGUSTED that you have done it. Pretty expected from someone like you, huh? I should have known. Long time ago. What can I say? I'm at a loss for words. I won't scoop to your level and return an eye for an eye. I can't imagine myself doing that. And I won't. I may be tolerant but not others. They've quit. Haven't you realised? Go ahead. Tell THEM you're so great. But I guess even if you do, no one's there to hear you boast. Go ahead.

2006-04-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

You're a Golden Retriever!

What Breed of Dog Are You?
Brought to you by Tickle

*laughs*

In your Cinderella story, you'd get to Kiss the Prince

What's Your Cinderella Story?
Brought to you by Tickle

That's funny! haha, I never knew this about myself. :)

2006-04-06T05:33:00.000-07:00

Mary, did you know?
Clay Aiken

Mary did you know
That your baby boy
Would one day walk
On water

Mary did you know
That your baby boy
Would save our sons
And daughters

Did you know
That your baby boy
Has come to make you new

This child
That you delivered
Will soon deliever you

Mary did you know
That your baby boy
Will give sight
To a blind man

Mary did you know
That your baby boy
Will calm the storm
With His hand

Did you know
That your baby boy
Has walked where angels trod
When you kiss
Your little baby
You kiss the face of God

Oh Mary did you know

Ooo...

The blind will see
The deaf will hear
The dead will live again
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb

Mary did you know
That your baby boy
Is Lord of all creation

Mary did you know
That you baby boy
Would one day rule the nations

Did you know
That your baby boy
Is Heaven's perfect Lamb

This sleeping child
You're holding
Is the great
I Am

Funny how circumstances force us to draw closer to Him. I shan't preach here. I'm not an example myself. Was just thinking about it. I think being in bad situations forces one to make the most of it. And in a sense, it gives us more to look back on. I don't know. Realised one grow up alot in bad situations.. i don't know. i'm one confused girl.

2006-04-03T05:01:00.000-07:00

What if God was one of us?
By Alanis Morissette

If God had a name what would it be?
And would you call it to his face?
If you were faced with him in all his glory
what would you ask if you had just one question?

Yeah, Yeah, God is great
Yeah, Yeah, God is good
Yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

If God had a face
What would it look like?
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and Jesus and the saints
and all the Prophets

Yeah Yeah God is great
Yeah Yeah God is good
Yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
trying to make his way home
Back up to Heaven all alone
Nobody callin' on the phone
cept for the Pope maybe in Rome

Yeah Yeah God is great
Yeah Yeah God is good
Yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
Just trying to make his way home
Like a holly Rolling Stone
Back up to Heaven all alone
Just trying to make his way home
Nobody callin' on the phone
'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome

I think 2 words go hand in hand now. 2 words starting with S : Stress and Suicide.
What if God was one of us? Would He feel what we feel? How dumb we feel? I don't think so.. God is good. God is great. He is so intelligent, that we pale so much in comparison. So will He understand how I feel? I don't know that either. If I had one question, it would be, when will all this end? If God had a name, I would call it to His face. And He will come.

2006-04-01T03:22:00.000-08:00

Been very disillusioned these days, and so much more.
Pardon me if i don't make much sense here.
It was in the midst of rehearsals last week when i had the sinking, feeling..
that the bane of being not talented enough.. if i'm talented at all.
I'm sick of everyone talking about the sciences.. how it has a brighter future.
It doesn't have a brighter future than the arts.
And in my opinion, the arts gets you further in life than anything.
it's evergreen, it's classic, it's forever.
everything in science changes so fast..
what we learn now may be obsolete in future..
but can arts ever be obsolete?
I doubt. Always and always, one can find a refreshing twist to it.
Sigh..

2006-03-26T02:30:00.000-08:00

Why does next week not feel like a school week? Gosh. Actually, I LIKE that feeling. Knowing that I actually have activities that take precedence over school. This rocks. I hate school. I really do. Ok. there's still carbonyl compounds tutorial, ammonia tutorial, first differentiation tutorial and magnetic field tutorial to complete by tuesday. Sigh. I'm so excited for the concert on Thursday at VCH! Ok. This is shameless advertising on my blog. SNYO Concert at Victoria Concert Hall on Thursday, 7.30 to 9pm. Tickets at Sistic. $5! And hmm.. the President will be there. Oh and those cheapos can tune in to it at FM 92.4 same time. It's a live recording. Woohoo!!! Excited. Man, this rocks. I think I'll miss all this performing when I get out of school and YO. Sigh..

2006-03-06T04:54:00.000-08:00

I haven't really blogged in so long, and ironically, there's so much to blog about these few days and yet I haven't done so. My birthday came and went kinda of fast. Actually, it didn't even come. But yeah, my friends gave me all I could ask for! 2SO3M (esp Clara, Jorina and Wenyan) gave me a big surprise! That of a huge birthday cake with a really cute and big smurfette on it! I totally fell in love with it! Thank you so much! Special thanks to Clara for putting in so much effort in getting the smurfette drawn, for ordering the cake! Thank you girl! you made this birthday of mine so much more memorable. Special thanks to Jorina and Wenyan, Jo for thinking it up and wanting to light up my face, Wenyan for getting the file shared by you girls... love you both. It couldn't have been possible without both of you. And to all of 3M for playing along and giving me sucha pleasant, pleasant surprise. MUACK! Oh and I almost forgot, to my angel Zi Kai for being ever so funny and acting dumb (as usual :P) and making me laugh. Dude, you'll always be that clown angel I'll never forget.
How can I ever forget 409? The friends I grew up with, spent my most memorable secondary school days with, friends who have seen me at my worst and still stuck around, friends who understand, friends who make me feel at home, feel I'm still worthy despite everything that's happening around me. Thank you May, Yii Wen, Jerms, Jen, Zhi Hui, Angeline, Woon li, Qi En, Ruth for the cheese cake and the wonderful birthday song, although i was very very embarrassed. hmm..who sings it right in the middle of the parade square right after assembly? oh wells, we're 409. and we'll always be 409. and as far as 409 history goes, nineisnoisy. Always. And I say we make good noise. Noise that I'll never ever forget. Noise that is louder than the deafening sirens of the crazy world around us, noise that advise, noise that comforts, noise that I'll always long to hear and should this noise one day fade away, the world will appear too silent, too cold and my world becomes a long, depressing silent movie with no audience to share the joy and griefs onscreen. Thank you girls. You all mean that much to me. Oh, I forgot Maryann. Thank you so much girl, for taking the time out to wish me happy birthday despite your common tests. You are the sweetest. Always. Hey Raisa! Thanks for being there too! MUACK! You'll never be out of place. No friend of mine feels out of place. Ever. There's always space in my heart for each and every one. We rock floorball yeah? Love you loads, girl!
That in short was the best birthday I ever had. Thank you people. Really.

2006-02-21T04:18:00.000-08:00

I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance (Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance (Rolling us along)
I hope you dance (Tell me who)
I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder) (Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance (Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance (Rolling us along)
I hope you dance (Tell me who) (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance (Where those years have gone) (Tell me who)
I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I really like this song. All it represents, all it encompass. It's been a long time since I was last introduced to this song, as a wide-eyed 14 year-old. So naive. Never really appreciated what it meant. But now, I understand every word of what it says. Funny how we used to want to grow up so much, but now that we've grown, we want to be that young girl again, looking at the world through rose-tinted glasses. Been very cynical these days. And the only thing that's sustaining me through each and every day is His promise. But even these days, I've drifted so far from Him. So many other committments that threaten to destroy the only thing that's keeping me going. Funny how you smile and laugh with the rest of the world when deep down you're crying faraway from them. Straddling between the 2 worlds is difficult. Sometimes, when you're alone, you just morph back into that depressed inner self. It sounds freaky and is freaky sometimes, like a monster with a human body only to the rest of the world.

On a lighter note, my sister bought me my birthday present! Yes, I know it's early. It's a Juicy Coulture clutch purse. So pretty. I love her to bits! Sometimes, one understands why she's called my sister. God didn't give her to me for no reason. And best friends like Oafie, are the siblings God forgot to give. She's gonna work at Starbucks soon! I'll visit you dear! Love you loads.

2006-02-12T04:36:00.000-08:00

Perfect

Epitome of Perfection.
Do you know how much of that you represented?
You had everything.
Everything I dreamt of, everything I wanted to be.
Your smiles, your independence,
that perfect scandinavian marble coolness.
But even the scandinavian marble can be shattered.
Funny how I shattered it to find it hollow.
To sigh in disappointment.
All that it represented,
Reduced to thin sheets.
Crumbled when picked.
To me,
you were perfect.
But once.

2006-02-10T06:34:00.000-08:00

It's been so long since I last came online. Have been so super busy these days. Goodness. I never knew I was THAT busy. Had Chamber on Wednesday till pretty late, like about 7? Then had YO yesterday until 9pm.
Today was pretty eventful. We (Maryann, Wenyan and I) went to Assisi Home and Hospice at Mount Alvernia to do our community service. It was our first time there, so we were pretty freaked and lost. The sky was pregnant with grey rain clouds and Wenyan and I were like waiting at the bus stop for Maryann. I was praying and praying that it don't pour. It's kinda hard to find your way when it's pouring you see. God is good. He held the rain clouds till we reached. Side track a little, I realised that He holds the rain clouds for me. And I'm very thankful for that. Like yesterday after YO, I was walking home and the nightsky was an awful shade of purple. For one thing, I hate walking home after YO at night. It's so dark on the road, and I'm like the only one walking home on a lonesome night. The vicinity around my house does look a little like a ghost town at night. Sometimes, I can even hear my own footsteps. Not only that, I'm always afraid of who might be behind me. You get my drift. But I'm left with no choice. YO ends at 9 and that's that. Anyway, I didn't really realise that it was going to pour until I reached home (after trekking 2km...yes. my house is THAT far from the bus stop) and then it rained cats and dogs. Thank God. Nothing can be worse than walking home alone in the dark and soaking wet with your heavy violin tugging at your left side. He spared me from that. All pampered souls probably won't understand this. Anyway, getting back to what happened today, we finally found the place. Ok. So we were led to this really quiet and serene area to the children's ward. There were very few kids, like only 4? But these kids were recovering from some illness. Of which we don't know specifically what. But we didn't really care. We were there to cheer them up! So we read to them, played with them and all. They ate alot! Like they baked some butter cookies and offered them to us. So we all obliged and took one, despite having reservations about them. I still remembered Wenyan's comment, " the person (a little girl) who made it is not eating.." and I was like "uh-oh.that's saying alot..". Too bad i had already popped the whole cookie in and was halfway through swallowing. To be absolutely honest, as I'm typing this, I feel queasy. No joke. I feel like puking. And I think I'm down with flu from little Bryan. Oh. Did I mention this? Bryan is really smart! Like we were supposed to read a book to the kids and after that, they are supposed to repeat the story to one of the other volunteers. I hadn't exactly finished reading the story to Bryan, but he could repeat the whole story. I think he made some up. He actually came in tops for storytelling! Smart little Bryan. :) I must say that I really love working with kids, like in sunday school and here. Every year in sunday school, the little kids that come in are so cute! We'll probably be doing this on a regular basis, and I kinda like it already. *smiles*

Ok. I had better do some advertising here, my friends and i will be organising a concert for RJCians on Good Friday, at St Andrew's Cathedral (tentative). So come on down and support us yeah? there would be like rock bands, singing, movie clips and lots of drama. And yep! Our friends from RJC will be acting. It's organised by RJCians for RJCians. Tell me if you're interested and I'll give you the details. :)

2006-01-25T08:20:00.000-08:00

Behind that thin veneer of smiles and laughter, is a horribly cracked interior. Mixed with sadness, grief, confusion, madness and hopelessness, perfect ingredients for a suicide. It's so messed up. You just don't know where to start. And people take advantage of your fall, your weakness and step all over you, kick you till you cringe in a corner, then drag you in front of the shooting squad, rid your body with bullets and leave you slumped, lying in a pool of blood. You're broken inside, tortured when you didn't deserve to be, accused of something you didn't do. And so it crumbles, mind, body and soul. Every damn thing. People stand around and watch you suffer, slowly die in front of their very eyes. But they still stand, doing nothing. Until an angel appears, pick you up and carry you upon her shoulders. You breathe. Again. You open your eyes and no, it isn't the blood that you see, but the heavens, the light, the clouds above. And you live again. But still scarred from the bullets that mutilated you. How does that feel? Terrible? Yii Wen, thank you so much for being the angel. The caring, beautiful angel. Always. I love you, girl. I always have. For the others, thanks for being the shooting squad, thanks for standing around. I really didn't appreciate it. I mean it this time.

2006-01-24T03:31:00.000-08:00

I'm stuck here, hooked to the music playing on my computer. I just read an e-mail M sent me. It really got me thinking. How much I really treasure the present, how much I let go by having the wrong attitude. In a sense, she's right. Thank you, girl. Sometimes, I just can't see through the fog.

Was looking at some really pretty and breath-taking scenery pictures just now. Ahhh. Really therapeutic. I wish my backyard at such beautiful beautiful scenery that opens out into the wilderness and mountains and rolling green meadows and snaking rivers. I would give anything for that kind of freedom. To run and keep running through the meadows, up the mountains, through the forest, by the river and never getting lost.

Am I a dreamer or a hopeless romantic stuck in a emotionless concrete jungle?

2006-01-21T04:55:00.000-08:00

The week is over. Poof. YO was not bad. Just that I never knew that after practising Berlioz, you could still get lost. Ok. New resolution: practise more. practise faster. I'm beginning to enjoy Brahms, Berlioz and Ravel. Ravel's NOT that bad. YET. We haven't reached the last movement.

Went shopping with Sherry, Zhi Hui and Angeline on Friday. It rocks!!! But poor Sherry, she didn't find anything nice to buy! And Angeline, bought this clutch purse. and we all started suanning her about how after you take it out of the shop, it isn't as pretty anymore. Oh. And like all gluttons, we suddenly decided to have dessert in the middle of our shopping trip! haha. So we ordered honeydew sago and soursop. And I swear the aunty doesn't know how to make proper dessert. We ended up eating rock ice. Literally. It was so hard! It was a great shopping trip. We laughed so hard, so much! I've never laughed so much for this whole year. It seems as though everything's so melancholic these days. I love you girls. Old friends really perk you up.

2006-01-17T01:39:00.000-08:00

It's been a pretty fine week so far. SO FAR. Till Thursday has gone, I won't say it's gonna be a prefect week. I went shopping with Lim Bei (Michelle) yesterday! I love you loads, babe! Just don't keep thinking of food!!! Goodness. And you are so not getting the goldfish nian gao. NO WAY. It's a total waste of money, dear. I hope you really like that pink pants you got though. *grins* We'll go for some eating outing next time yeah? Then maybe we can gorge ourselves with good food! Muahahaha...
Shopping yesterday was fun! But I think ogling at the cute singer on the big screen at Taka was the best part. We looked like total idiots walking up and down the place just to keep looking at his MTV playing on the big screen. But then again, we wouldn't have realised he came on if Mich didn't drag me into this Chinese New Year food exhibition. *looks at Lim Bei* So while Mich indulged in her greatest fantasy of ogling and salivating at food, I occupied myself watching this cute singer called Wallace and his MTV. The song was great, actually, and I think the title is "Shan Xia De Xing Fu" or Blessings under an umbrella. Oh, that was towards the end of our shopping trip. We actually went to many shops! Zara, Mango, Topshop, Esprit, FCUK, Blood bros., Warehouse, Lacoste, Puma, British India, Giodano, Bossini...etc. I really liked this FCUK top that says "Cool as FCUK". Isn't it cool? Gosh. I LOVE IT. Oh and there was this other top in British India that was really authentic looking. Even Lim Bei agreed. It was a woollen kind of top with gold surfacing. Gorgeous. Totally.
On a more serious note, I actually got into floorball. I'm not sure how I'm gonna leave early for Chamber to make it on time for floorball. Chamber's having this recording CD session and we have that Inauguration Ceremony of RJC to perform for. We still sound terrible so we're not allowed to skip rehearsals. But they didn't say we couldn't leave early! ;P That's the loophole! heehee...

2006-01-14T08:35:00.000-08:00

Can You feel the Love Tonight?
by Elton John

There's a calm surrender
To the rush of day,
When the heat of a rolling wind
Can't be turned away

An enchanted moment,
And it sees me through
It's enough for this restless warrior
Just to be with you

And can you feel the love tonight?
It is where we are
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer
That we got this far

And can you feel the love tonight,
How it's laid to rest?
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Believe the very best

There's a time for everyone,
If they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope
Moves us all in turn

There's a rhyme and reason
To the wild outdoors
When the heart of this star-crossed voyager
Beats in time with yours

And can you feel the love tonight?
It is where we are
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer
That we got this far

And can you feel the love tonight,
How it's laid to rest?
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Believe the very best
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Believe the very best

I love this song and its lyrics. It makes life so simple again. Its like one comes a full circle in life.

2006-01-14T02:12:00.000-08:00

Just got back from YO. From all the madness in the room. We played Berlioz and Brahms today. And yes. Experience Berlioz in his madness and you'll soon be praying you had practised the piece since forever. I'm so going to practise it till I nail all the right notes. It was so fast and furious! OMG. Next Thursday, we'll be taking on Ravel. God help me. Ravel is difficult to play. No joke.

Received so many messages from my friends just now and suddenly, I felt so loved. I love you all, girls! Kisses! Nothing can stand in the way of friendship. Pure girly friendship, not even boyfriends. Somehow, there's only so much you can tell a guy, but with girlfriends, there's no limit. I love you Sherry and Sue Jen! I miss you girls so much! We need those crazy shopping trips! I'm reliving those good old days in RGS. Those bygone era that we had the freedom and the fire in us to live every moment. Now, we just exists. At least I exist only.

Was walking so fast just now, so that I don't catch those fat raindrops and I was praying and praying that God will hold the clouds. Because when you've got a big heavy violin tugging at your aching shoulder, you don't have the strength to pull out an umbrella and hold all that while trying to get home asap. God was kind, as always, and it poured after I got safely to my bedroom. Thank you, Lord!

Has anyone heard Viva Forever by Spice Girls? I think that song rocks. Totally. Check it out.

2006-01-13T18:53:00.000-08:00

These days, my schedule's getting more and more packed. There's YO again later, but at 1.15pm instead of 2pm. Urgh. Until 5pm. There goes my Saturday. But yeah, I'm still really thankful, coz I'm not in the army. Poor Mark. hey, take care yeah? Positive attitude, dude!!! After that, you can slack like nobody's business. Smile yeah?

Oh, we had our trial 2km run yesterday, it utterly sucked! I ran 3 rounds and walked the rest of the 2. After my 3rd round, I was like WOAH. I"M SO TIRED!!! It wasn't like fatigue, but more of the morning tiredness kind. It was as though I wanted to go to sleep right there and then. That was PE. School's really boring I tell you and CCAs no better, coz Chamber's boring. It always is. Now I only look forward to floorball on Monday. Clinic and selections for J1s! Check THAT out.

Oh, then in the afternoon, we had this SYFC meeting, Wai Ling was so funny as usual! Then I saw Oafie at J8! Woohoo. You look so pretty babe! As always! I guess I was feeling a little out of sorts yesterday, because of schedule clashes and stuff. But anyway, I had to find someone to have dinner with me! It made no difference, because I ate alone at the Thai restaurant near my house, with Maryann on the line with me. So it was fine, like having dinner with another person except she's not sitting opposite you.

2006-01-11T03:02:00.001-08:00

We had CCA Fest today and I spent most of my time at the floorball booth. I must say I really like floorball, as in I really enjoy the game and the people in it. Didn't really spend much time at the Chamber booth though. It's weird since it's supposed to be my core CCA, and yet, I feel so much more involved in floorball. I really think its got something to do with the fact that my section's so slack, no one bothers to include us anymore. But hey! I do care about Chamber! Include me!!!!

Floorball booth was right next to sailing booth and suddenly, I realised that I used to dream and dream about becoming a sailor, but it never materialised. I guess there are somethings in life that one will always look back and regret not attempting or seizing. I do regret alot of things. And ironically, sometimes I don't regret allowing such regrets to occur, because they will always exist. In a sense that I would have gone ahead with whatever I wanted, but I would have to let go of another opportunity. And this missed opportunity would in turn become the regret. It's pretty confusing now, but I guess one will understand when one experiences it.

2006-01-09T23:22:00.000-08:00

It's pouring outside and the air's really chilly. In more ways than one, it does feel a little like Cambodia when it's raining outside. Apart from the muddy muddy roads, it's just as cold, only I feel colder here. Inside, outside. There's no life here, nothing at all. I just wanna run, somewhere, anywhere. Away from here, from home, school, this wretched place. I would go Cambodia, Nepal, anywhere, but stay here. It just eats away at you, this whole place, gnawing away at my life, my flesh, everything in me except my soul. If it hits the soul, I'm doomed.

I feel like I'm sleepwalking through the days and it spills from one day to the next without my conscious feel of it. The faces, the events, the hours, pass in a quick blur. In a strange detached way, I'm pretty fine with it. The faster time moves, the less pain I feel. Just like running through a dark fog, you never know where you're heading and what's up ahead, but strangely the thought that you're actually moving is comforting in itself, as if you're momentarily escaping from the strange circumstances and one never knows how long it will continue this way. Any form of escape is good enough.

They say your life flashes before you just before you die. I disagree. Why do I see my life flashing before me every time I close my eyes?

Sometimes you feel God everywhere, sometimes you don't hear Him at all. At times, He seems so detached from certain circumstances in your life, as though He picks on those He wishes to interfere. I wish He would just interfere with every single aspect of it. Then maybe I neednt go through it alone.

2006-01-09T23:09:00.000-08:00

Luca
by Susan Vega

My name is Luca
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes I think you've seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight
Just don't ask me what it was
Just don't ask me what it was
Just don't ask me what it was

I think it's cause I'm clumsy
I try not to talk too loud
Maybe it's because I'm crazy
I try not to act too proud
They only hit you until you cry
And after that you don't ask why
You just don't argue anymore
You just don't argue anymore
You just don't argue anymore

Yes I think I'm OK
I walked into the door again
Well, if you ask that's what I'll say
And it's not your business anyway
I guess I'd like to be alone
With nothing broken, nothing thrown
Just don't ask me how I am
Just don't ask me how I am
Just don't ask me how I am

2006-01-08T04:25:00.000-08:00

Ok. There's gonna be school tomorrow. Actually, seriously speaking, I don't quite know why I'm still in school. My dream is to do fashion designing! haha. I can picture myself in Milan or London, cutting cloth and holding fashion shows. And it has nothing to do with what i'm studying now. I'm just so obsessed with fashion! Oh my goodness! let's see, the whole adrenaline in comng up with new and wacky designs, to tease, to showcase, to accentuate! But come to think of it, I'd be competing with the big boys out there for customer base and I really need to come up with an anchor design! But designing sure beats studying. It's just the fear of the market not warming to your design. Isn't it odd that i want to be a fashion designer instead of a model? Apart from the fact that the possibility is nil, it is as Yii Wen puts it, an utter waste of talent. yes. Talent. LOLz. Sashaying down the catwalk? Nah. Cat fights behind the stage? Nah. Appearing right at the end of the fashion show? YEAH, baby! That's what I wanna be, a fashion designer! Mum says I should marry a rich guy if I want to pursue my passion, because it's easy to fail in fashion business. But who cares? I'm not going to want to rely on a rich guy all my life. I'm gonna be rich myself so I can support my passion! Plus, what's the point of marrying someone rich, only to be ditched by him and upset by his womanising ways? please. I'm Miss Independent. Don't mess around. Watch out girls! Here I come! Mavis the fashion designer!

2006-01-06T19:45:00.001-08:00

Had a rude shock yesterday night when Mark said he was enlisting today. Sigh. It's just so sudden. Just like when we had class lunch yesterday and Yuen Sau said he's going back on Monday. Dudes, why so soon?? Gosh. Even Yushan has returned to Norway. Ok, Yushan and guys, take care when you're there. I'll be praying for you all every night! And yeah, Mark, I'm sure you will get in. If you don't, He has something better for you. Smile, yeah?
Been looking at my entries and I realised that most are really depressing. I guess I just don't blog happy memories precisely. So you don't feel the happiness that permeates my life.

2006-01-06T19:45:00.000-08:00

2006-01-04T01:54:00.000-08:00

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Been feeling so down like these days, I hate to put the feeling into words. I don't really talk about it to anyone, just snipets of the real pain. But there's like so much more to these. So much rubbish that I can't unload and I can't think of any way to clear them. Just the everyday vicious cycle of going to school and feeling happy or trying to feel and look happy, when deep down, everything stinks. I think if anyone hears the shit(pardon the language) I'm feeling, they wouldn't understand. But it's not like I'm going to say anything about it. Coz then again, no one deserves to be tortured by a tortured soul. Every night, I wish time would fly and I'll be old enough to do what I always enjoy, to travel the world, to feel independent, to not peer so much into the future. Now, it's like a big black hole. I'm not sure how big the hole is or whether there's light at the end. And then again, this in itself is such a small part of the crap that plagues me.I meant to clean this rubbish up after the trip. But it's back and bigger, like a tumor. The song is really appropriate. (Those who don't know me, please don't think the problem is some stupid BGR crap. Coz it's not.) In a way, this crap does teach me to blot out the sadness and unpleasantness in life. But you either choose to numb yourself to it or face it and feel the consequences. and I chose the latter. I can't blame anyone. And all this crap, I'll swallow it. Until it boils over one day again. Soon.

2005-12-27T07:35:00.000-08:00

We had a 409 outing today! As always, there is always joy in our meeting and never sadness in the parting, because we know that no matter what, 409 will always be special and first in our hearts. I'm so thankful I've got such a wonderful class, with such beautiful people whom I can count on no matter what. We had so much fun eating Gelare and talking and laughing and because we were so big a group, the manager had to shift chairs and tables to accomodate us, and even had to ask 2 girls to give up their seats for us. Then it was stuffing our faces and doing stupid 409 stuff like talking non stop and yeah, being noisy. Then we went to Esplanade roof top again, and we played games. It really cracked me up! But yeah, everyone was so comfortable with each other, we laughed nonstop! It feels great to be with old friends again, to be yourself, to understand each other through and through and know that no matter what you say, no one will be hurt coz they know you don't mean it. It's so different from RJ, where every word is guarded and the meaning of friends has to be redefined. I love 409. In my heart, you girls are special! Love you all!!!

2005-12-22T19:50:00.000-08:00

I'm so sorry. How many times do you want me to apologise? If you don't believe me, how do you expect me to believe you? URGH. I'm just doing my responsibility. I can't just back out of the concert just because I'm sick! Ok. So you think I shouldn't even have performed for the concert and go for your party instead? Fine. You can give Him an answer, (or rather, excuse)but I can't and I won't. I won't back out of something I've already promised God just because you said so.

Spend a stupid night thinking how I might have hurt him. But I realised if he can't understand my predicament, it's not worth me explaining it over and over again to him anyway. I'm really sorry. But I'm not making it up. He can't see things from my point of view. Sorry, dude. Really. Please understand.

2005-12-21T20:09:00.000-08:00

I got this from Shifu. Don't mind huh, dude!

TEN random things about me:
1) I love big spaces. I can't stand enclosed spaces.
2) I love cold weather.
3) I like shopping with my sister in Orchard at night best. Sorry gurls, but my sis still reigns as my best shopping partner. She's funny, wacky, funky, and most of all practical. So I don't spend too much on my shopping sprees.
4) I want to be a missionary to Nepal when I grow up.
5) I love fashion.
6) I actually have a soft spot for kids.
7) I want to get married one day. haha. REally!!!
8) I love foreign films and films that have profound meaning in them.
9) I'm pretty cold to people I don't quite know, esp guys.
10) I don't flirt coz I think it's disgusting and stupid. If someone likes you, he has to like you for who you are, not because he thinks you like him. Sue me!

NINE places I've visited:
1) Cambodia
2) France
3) England
4) Belgium
5) Switzerland
6) China
7) South Korea
8) Thailand
9) Malaysia

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:
1) see the world
2) to love and to be loved.
3) white water rafting
4) live in the great outback!
5) learn how to play tennis properly
6) learn to ski!
7) take up painting and spend a day or two in a scenic mountain top painting the world at my feet.
8) live and evangelise in Nepal.

SEVEN ways to win my heart:
1) have a sense of humour. I need to crack up now and then. haha
2) be philosophically deep, not just skin-deep. I hate superficiality. :P
3) be considerate
4) be hardworking and sporting.
5) be independent. I prefer it that way.
6) love and fear God. REALLY!
7) kind-hearted

SIX things that annoy you:
1) People who boast too much
2) People who bear grudges. I don't understand why. Life's too short to bear so many and remember them all.
3) People who practise eliticism. Everyone's equal.
4) People who don't say thank you when they are served. They are not doing their job. It's part of their job. So make life easier for them and be polite!
5) Tactlessness.
6) I think I've spelled out enough. HAHA

FIVE things I'm afraid of:
1) lizards
2) lost in a foreign land
3) having no guts to try.
4) falling on blades.
5) clothes. I have a love-hate affair with them. I may blast my allowance.

FOUR of my favorite things in my bedroom:
1) my bed
2) my bubble chair my sister bought for me from Hong Kong.
3) my window to the limitless sky.
4) nothing else. I don't quite fancy my study table.

THREE things I do everyday:
1) sms
2) watch tv.
3) talk

TWO things I want to do right now:
1) shopping
2) watching a movie

ONE person I want to see right now:
1) my sister! It's been 20 long and boring days! URGH. 1 more day to go.

2005-12-20T21:11:00.000-08:00

Been stuck at home and down with flu and fever. Yucks. But waiting forever for my sis to get back from Cambodia. Gosh. How much do I miss my 19 going on 7 sister? She's so full of rubbish and I kinda miss those rubbish now that the days are gettin so boring and the only highlight is the concert at the end of certain days. Let's see how many more days before she comes home.. *counts fingers* about 3? Last night, I had this really scary nightmare about my sister, who decided she wants to die. So she swallows a pill in front of my very eyes and died. *touch wood!!* I woke up feeling so horrible. sigh. Why do we miss people only when they're gone? Why do we regret loving them only when they no longer cease to be with us? Why do we refuse to forgive and seek forgiveness until it's too late? Why do we keep thinking there'll be another day, when that day might never come? Why do we bare so much hatred and grudge for the person, and then spent a lifetime regretting? Why are we too proud to admit that we love someone, only until the person's gone? Why do we fail to see the goodness of someone until the race is run? To mom, dad, big sis Charm and all my friends, if tomorrow never comes for me, I love you all! :)

2005-12-16T19:57:00.000-08:00

hey! I'm back! I went to Poipet, Cambodia, not Laos. (May's confused!) It's approximately 4 hours overland from Bangkok and does not have an airport of its own. To get into Poipet, we have to walk from the Thai immigration to the Cambodian one. Roads are really dusty and full of potholes. Just across the border, there are many many casinos. Apparently, it is said that Poipet hosts the worst of everything in Asia. (don't quote me! I heard it somewhere) Drug trafficking, child kidnapping, you name it, they have it. Back to where I was. Beyond the casinos, the scene changes drastically. Instead of the glittering, white walls and colourful neon lights, one is greeted with poor dusty roads and many many slumps. And this place, beyond the casinos would be our hotel for the next 5 days. We took a Cambodian taxi (mind you, it has no aircon. Taxi means a motorbike attached to a small cart and we sat inside the cart.) from the border our hotel, a very simple hotel with only the basics. No carpeted floor, no grand entrance and our suite had no hot water. We were thankful no doubt. And hey! Our hotel was even recommended by the Lonely Planet book! We met with the 2 missionary families there, Dr Kent Copland's family and Syna's family. Throughout the 5 days, we met some Cambodian Christian youths and even played football with them! Ok. I kicked some dung together with the ball in an attempt to pass it. And when I say dung, it is really cow dung. Fresh from the few grazing cows around the field. But we had fun no doubt!!! On Sunday, we visited a village church tucked away in a really rural area. But it was heart rendering to see little kids, poor though they might be but so rich in spirit and rich with God's love! Thank God!They sang for us and I played my violin. the village church was just a one room church with zinc walls and roof and sunday school was held just under a tree beside the church. It might be simple, but yeah, I must say the best church service I've ever attended! Although sermon was given by Syna's husband in Khmer and we prayed in Khmer, even the Lord's prayer in Khmer. And we had communion! Great. Simply awesome. Oh, and we also painted Dr Kent's clinic! I was doing the skirting of the sides and ceiling all the time. So I had to stand on a chair and a few times, I almost fell. But yeah, it's all for a good cause! So now Dr Kent has a wonderful sparkling white clinic with beautiful white walls for his surgery room and pharmacy!!! Through it all, I've realised that God does work in wonderful ways! And yes, it is true that poor are made rich in spirit by God's grace and everything He does is so perfect. Sometimes, we work so hard here in this secular world but we fail to realise that we do so little for our Father in heaven, where our true reward really lie. Had we known, working for Him all our life would not be enough to repay Him for what He has done. After being in Cambodia, one realises just how fortunate or unfortunate we really are. Yes, we have all the material wealth here, but we lack so much in spirit! The faith they have in walking without sight, in walking with the Lord despite their poor conditions. Indeed, the riches in heaven belong to them who believe though they may be poor. And who's more fortunate than them, to have such big acres of field to gaze at the night sky or feel the cool evening breeze and see the awesome sunset? It was the first time I've seen so many stars in the sky. And to know that our Lord God created all this for us to enjoy, yet their quiet beauty is blinded by man-made lights, all raw and gaudy. If given a chance, I want to go Poipet again. In Poipet, one lives, but here in Singapore one simply survives.

2005-12-07T08:28:00.000-08:00

Going. Going. Gone. hey gurls! In a few hours time, I'll gone. Yeah. I'm leaving all those things that has plagued me lately here. I don't wish to bring them there with me. Coz those people need the hope they're looking for. I'll deal with my own past baggages when I get back. Alone. Coz that's what I learned last night. That I really shouldn't assume someone's always there to hear me out. Coz that person's not always there. Well at least that much was told to me. Last night was like the worst night ever. Stuck in my own misery with even someone I thought was so close to me refusing to listen. For a moment I felt like Emily Rose, tortured by the devils. Today was worse. No one understands. They just laugh and laugh. Thinking you're fine when you not. Spent some time sitting outside CHJIMES just thinking. It was peaceful until someone came and disturb it. Needless to say, I left and went back into that dreamlike place, with heavenly voices and beautiful Roman arches. Broken, sad, tired. Yeah, I'll deal with everything alone. Coz the world doesn't revolve ard me. And yeah, that i'm not the only one with troubles. But what if I tell you that my troubles come from within?

2005-12-03T20:06:00.000-08:00

Like a stone that falls deeper and deeper into the water after its initial splash. All that's remaining of the stone on the surface are the silent ripples that dilute and slowly disappears soon after. All is quiet and calm on the surface. But the stone's descent is tough. Dark waters pregnant with dangers lurk behind weeds and plankton. Sinking deeper into some unknown depth, unreached by anyone, unknown to anyone. Eventually lost and forgotten. Thanks for everything.

2005-12-02T20:55:00.001-08:00

Clara's flying off to Laos today. I think her plane took off already. Take care dear! And may God grant you journey mercies there and back and protect you every step of the way. :) Will be praying for you from here and then subsequently when I'm in Cambodia. I can't believe I'm going there after you and coming back before you do. Take care yarh? Kisses.
Tonight's the concert already. I'm pretty freaked. I'll probably be practising one last time later then I'll have to be at VCH by 4pm.
Big sis Charm will be flying off to Cambodia tmr. Means she'll be there a good 4 days ahead of me and 6 days home after me. On one hand, I would very much like to go on a real holiday where its all play and no work. But then again, I don't think it'll be quite as meaningful as a mission trip. I'm not sure of what to hope for there. Not luxurious showers and service of course. But I'm really hoping for beautiful untouched scenery to retire to despite the living conditions. I don't really mind if the river has ripply, shimmering waters at night, or that the sun sets gloriously over the hills at night. I'll be utterly thrilled if it offered such beauty. But really, shouldn't expect much yeah? Afterall, I'm not going there to see what it has to offer me. Rather what I can offer them. My pathetic music perhaps?

2005-12-01T21:52:00.000-08:00

I'm having this big stomachache here. Its stinks man. There's so many things I have to do! Tomorrow's the concert. And I am pretty hyped up. I hope we don't go too fast for Glinka or my fingers will die. I hope I know when to come in for the concerto and I hope that we get the off-beat right for Tchaikosky. I'll practise it later tonight.
There's something that I really wanna talk about now. On Wednesday, we had our rehearsal with the International Festival of Chorus. The choral was great. The best I've ever heard so far. There were people from all over the world, in different languages and races, all for one purpose of making joyful music. So we rehearsed mainly Christmas carols for our concert at CHJIMES on 6&7 dec. It was night time and we were in the music room in RJ, the only warmly lighted room tucked quietly away on the 3rd floor and right at the corner of A block. The rest of the school was dark and eeriely quiet because A Levels ended and there was simply no reason for the others to stay up in school. There was this moment during the rehearsal when the voices and the music from the strings were in perfect harmony. It was magical. I mean I could hear strains of "What child is this?" and "Silent Night". It was so Christmas-y. Suddenly there was like this whole blanket of peace that descended on me. And at the end of the rehearsal, I was so reluctant to leave the room! i wanted the rehearsal to go on and on forever, to keep hearing the heavenly strains and angelic voices of the choral, to feel the harmony between the instruments and most of all, keep that magical moment going on and on forever. But it was not to be. The night outside the room was no longer surreal. It was gloomy, dull and later that night, it poured. That magical moment ended. Why can't good things like these go on forever? I can't wait for our concert on the 6&7. I'll be eagerly waiting to relive that moment again. This time, for real.

2005-11-29T21:14:00.000-08:00

Ok. I'll have to make this entry really quick. I have to go down and practise my violin soon. I can't believe how much VCH echoes. yesterday during rehearsal, I was playing and then I heard this sound from the violin and I thought. Who's that playing? And then I realised it was myself. I never knew I sounded so loud and clear. Goodness! Thus, I think i'll have to practise harder. I don't want to make any mistakes on the concert day.
Plus one more thing. I think the most beautiful lady I've ever seen on earth is Li Bing Bing! Gosh! She's so exquisitely beautiful! Let me see if I can upload her picture here. I always thought Asians were good-looking. Who says they aren't?

2005-11-27T18:13:00.000-08:00

To tell the truth, I am pretty scared for it. Very in fact. But really, I realised that the only reason for my fear is pride itself. Pride. And now, I realised that I'll do my best. Whatever the result, God has a reason for it to happen. Let it be. "Therefore, don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself.Each day has enough troubles of its own." Matthew 6:34.
These days, I sleep without remembering to pray or I think I'll talk to Him the next day and the next. But I always forget. I'm so sorry Lord! Yeah, so I decided that no matter how tired I am, I will have my quiet time with Him. Afterall, who needs more of my attention than my Creator Himself? Even if I spent my whole life talking to Him or doing His work, it would not be enough. He has given me more than I can ask for. And somethings in my life, though imperfect have its own silver linings. And yes, I'm very thankful, for all of it. I think someday when I get to Heaven, I'll ask my Heavenly Father who resides there why He puts unpleasant stuff in my life and until then, I'll be grateful for those. Good or bad.
Sometimes we wonder why should it be. And when everything's over and the event has blown over, do we realise why it should be. Many circumstances in my life has been this way. Countless. That sometimes, its no longer a why, but a when.

2005-11-26T18:09:00.000-08:00

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent.
Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art.

You would make an excellent:

Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor
Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer
Dancer - DJ - Graphic Designer
Illustrator - Musician - Sculptor

The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

What's Your Ideal Career?

You Are Midtown

You love so many things, you don't fit into any one label.
Your city girl persona goes to a fancy restaurant one night and a dive bar the next.

Are You Uptown or Downtown?

Your Fashion Style is Classic

You like what's stood the test of time...
Simple, well styled clothes that don't scream trendy
You stay updated and modern, but your clothes stay in style for a while
You wouldn't be caught in animal prints, fake fur, or super bright colors

What's Your Fashion Style?

You Belong in Paris

Stylish and a little sassy, you were meant for Paris.
The art, the fashion, the wine, the men!
Whether you're enjoying the cafe life or a beautiful park...
You'll love living in the most chic place on earth.

What City Do You Belong In?

You are Milk Chocolate

A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds.
You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life.
Also nostelgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment... even those from long ago.

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

Gosh! I'm super addicted to taking quizzes! But they're fun. :)

2005-11-25T17:58:00.000-08:00

create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide

Heeeheee.. you can tell I just came from visiting may-maryann-yiiwen-lydia's blog. I'm so pathetic! I've only visited 4% of the world! Gosh. And to think I love travelling! My ambition when i turn 21 will be to see the world on a shoestring! I think the 20 facts about yourself sounds pretty cool. Let me list mine down. :)

1. I love travelling! Especially to cool places with beautiful breath-taking sceneries and are pretty much uncommercialised.
2. I love Beauty and the Beast. It's my all-time favourite. And to this day, I still Belle is the most beautiful girl on earth. Even though she's just a fictional character.
3. I love strawberries. This is random. But I wish to own my very own strawberry farm next time.
4. I love my violin and music. Esp soul music. I actually love oldies too!
5. Of the 4 seasons, I adore the fall-winter transition best. I love the golden brown colours of fallen leaves and the tiny flakes of early winter best.
6. I love to be ensconced in my bubble chair reading a book or listening to music on rainy nights.
7. I love lightnings. AWESOME.
8. Japanese foods, esp sushi appeals to me most. And so does seafood, of any kind.
9. I love winter wear. Esp. trenchcoats, pullovers, ponchos, shawls, etc.
10. I love big cities at night. Esp. Shanghai!
11. oh. This is really important. I love my friends. ALOT. Esp. close ones.
12. One day, I wanna be able to live in a penthouse atop a megapolis. Preferably new York.
13. I love beautiful architecture. Of which I think Europe boasts much of it and now Dubai as well.
14. I love art too. Esp. sculptures. I take pleasure in admiring wondrous works of art and intricate craftsmanship.
15. I love sitting alone or with a close friend by the beach at night and hearing the waves crash quietly on the shores.
16. I love lying on the grass in a big meadow at night and count the shooting stars.
17. I love kids! Gosh. They are so adorable!
18. I enjoy foreign movies and arthouse films. But I only really like the culture and the philosophies it encompass. Nothing more. You know what I mean.
19. My most vivid holiday is to Europe! I remember trekking all the way from our hotel to the Lourve but not getting in. What a pity! But I'll be back one day!
20. I believe there's an almighty, omnipotent God up there who looks down and guides me everyday of my life! And I'm very thankful for that.

Haha. 20 facts about me. As usual, i'm a dreamer and a kid at heart.

2005-11-25T00:30:00.000-08:00

You Should Learn French

C'est super! You appreciate the finer things in life... wine, art, cheese, love affairs.
You are definitely a Parisian at heart. You just need your tongue to catch up...

What Language Should You Learn?

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child.
Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded.
You cherish all of the details in life.
Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

How Is Your Inner Child?

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

In relationships, you tend to be a bit selfish.

You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

You Are Lemon Meringue Pie

You're the perfect combo of sassy and sweet
Those who like you have well refined tastes

What Kind of Pie Are You?

Your Birthdate: February 29

You have the mind of an artist, even if you haven't developed the talent yet.
Expressive and aware, you enjoy finding new ways to share your feelings.
You often feel like you don't fit in - especially in traditional environments.
You have big dreams. The problem is putting those dreams into action.

Your strength: Your vivid imagination

Your weakness: Fear of failure

Your power color: Coral

Your power symbol: Oval

Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

2005-11-22T11:02:00.000-08:00

Life's looking good these few days. I'm really happy and excited. I stayed over for class chalet yesterday and it rocked! I didn't get to sit by the beach and listen to the waves or to wait for the sunrise though. But nothing in my life so far has ever compared to this! We went midnight cycling on the main road from our chalet to Katong Shopping Centre, then we went in and played dota. Then we cycled from Katong Shopping Centre to Bedok Jetty by the main road, at midnight.
After the BBQ, we decided to cycle all the way to the nearest late-night shop that provides LAN. (I think coz the guys live and breathe on cyber-gaming). So we all got bikes and thus began our journey. It was a little freaky at first, even though there weren't many cars on the road, but after a while, I got pretty used to it. Actually, we didn't go as a whole group, coz Zhi Xian had to stay back to lock the chalet and Yun Hua's parents weren't there to pick her yet, so she had to stay in the chalet. I ended up as the only girl cycling there with the guys first. I never knew I had such gallant classmates. They actually made sure i was in the middle of our single-file, so i won't lose my way. Sometimes, the Y-chromosome makes you want to cry, sometimes you just can't imagine life without it. And I even learned a tip or 2 about braking from Daniel! We were actually riding down the underpass, and there were a few turns at the bottom of each slope. So I had a hard time braking in time to avoid hitting the wall at each turn and I learned that to brake gently, apply the right brake first, coz it controls the front wheel! Okie. I know I'm slow, having not realised it before. So we reached there finally, and found a dota shop. Problem was, there were so many bikes and we had to find a way to park all of them. In the end, we managed to use David and Vipul's bike locks to lock the bikes on the outside.
LANing is BORING. It really is! After a few games and my head having been pawned by IAMDANIEL, ISLAM (Vipul) and Anyi so many times, I saw stars and had a headache. Why can't my bloody man move faster???? Gosh, half the time i was running away from the bad guys. And I keep finding myself dying and telleported back to the start. GROSS. Counter-strike was worse. Everytime I pick up my gun and before i can turn around and take cover, I'm shot and I'm dead. By none other than David, Anyi and Daniel again. Thanks dude! So I spent half the time looking through the eyes of either of them or having a free look. So that was CS 1.6. But nearer the end, we played dota again, and Shifu helped me. Okie, he upgraded me from a pathetic level 4 to a level 10. Cool~ Enough about LAN. Before we left the place, all of us used the toilet first. I swear i'll kill Daniel the next time he does it again. I was walking out of the girls' washroom, and before that, Vipul rolled back his eyes and stood so close the door, the first thing we saw was him looking possessed. Keep in mind its alomst 1am in the morning. And the place was deserted. So i walked out and Daniel was standing on the sink outside and scared the hell out of me. I screamed like a girl horror film and Daniel just kept laughing. Daniel, I swear I'll kill you if you try it again. *mock angry face* *grins* But it as fun, nonetheless, so we cycled on and passed this guy with 4 hookers. I don't know if he even know the meaning of moral and ethics and the dangers of getting HIV or STDs. Anyhow, we stopped over at a petrol station to buy snacks and stuff before heading straight to Bedok Jetty.
Bedok Jetty was so cold! I guess it's the land-breeze thingy we learned about in Geog. Talked to Shifu for a while and enjoyed the view and breeze before we sat around to play some games. It was funny to see the guys do forefits. It really cracked me up. Then it started drizzling and we raced back to the chalet on our bikes. It was almost 5am by then and we fell flat and slept.
And here I am, blogging from the comforts of home, bathed and comfortable. I'm finally getting some life injected into my boring lifestyle. Thanks gurls and guys!

2005-11-20T12:05:00.000-08:00

I've added a new blogskin!!! I love it. I love everything about winter, the cold, the loneliness, the pure whiteness, the serenity. Awesome. Everything's pretty cool these days, just that I don't quite feel like I'm living a life yet. Really. The days just spill from one to the other and sometimes, i don't quite realise its nighttime till i see the moonrays streaming in onto me from my window. I'll be going for 3M's class chalet later. I hope it'll be fun though I have certain regrets of not being able to stay over. I really want to sit by the beach at night like i did 2 years back and listen to the waves crashing gently on the shore, and peer into the utter darkness of the sea before me and find me and my troubles so small against the universe. Or sit in the bitter cold of the small hours by the sea, waiting for the first rays of the day to break quietly over the horizon. I'll never be able to do that this year, I guess. That's really sad. I'll be having some rehearsal later. I hope it'll be fruitful. Nothing exciting's realy gonna happen these days, and I've kind of resigned myself to that fact.

Night

2005-11-19T22:14:00.000-08:00

I think my blog's getting a little too dark these days. But yeah, that's my life. I feel it getting darker each day, like the darkness just closes in on me and envelopes everything. I can't stand it. On a lighter note, class chalet is coming up. I can't say i'm pretty excited, coz I'm so busy these days, i think i can only make it down for the bbq. Isn't it pathetic? I feel like i don't even have a life now. Sigh. Where have all the fun days gone? Or did i just not treasure them?