It's been a long ride. And I'm tired of fighting. I know I must be thankful. We must all be. For what is given to us, be they good or bad. Yet sometimes it's hard not to wonder if things could get better. I think we all hope and pray for what we think could help us attain our very own utopian world. These few weeks have been nothing but a dream. But I wanna wake up from it. Go back to where I belong, where I know myself. To live with my own limitations again, though not necessarily accepting them. I find it hard to accept my own limitations. Yet when the reality comes crashing down, it crashes hard. One looks to things that one normally don't, to escape the reality of it. I guess I've had enough. Enough of basking in this fantasy. It's always harder to have to take life by its horns but oddly comforting when we've done that. Like a wheel in constant motion, I think it takes as much of a bramble to stop it as it takes as much of a push to start it. Either way, to have it turning is better than seeing it stationary.

It's 1.45am in the morning. I'll be leaving for Melbourne in about 19 hours' time, marking the end of my 3rd summer. Somehow, I feel like I'm living a truncated life, a double life of polarising extremes. In my mind, I've come to associate Singapore with the best things in life, my friends, my family, familiarity, fun and freedom. Melbourne, with the worst, the struggles, the stress, the fight for survival and the soul-sapping solitude. But the curse in life is that there cannot be good without evil. There would be no happiness in Singapore if there was no Melbourne to return to. A place where I know I must struggle, a place where I know I have no choice but to work, a place where there is no fun. I think we all need that certain place - a place we wished never existed, but one we cannot exist without. It is a place that deadens us but paradoxically keeps us alive. A place where we go beyond ourselves to chase our dream, but we only go beyond ouselves by being in that place. That dream doesn't exist. We make ourselves believe it does, to justify our decision to stay in that place. The dreaded place. But also, the coveted place. And when all is said and done, we go back to paradise (or so we make it out to be) and believe that it is better. Believe that there are no struggles, no stress, no fight for survival and no solitude. But when that dreaded place cease to exist, so does our paradise. We go back to the beginning, to find another paradise because our once-paradise, is now the new dreaded place.

Today, I was standing outside Fullerton Hotel, waiting for Zhi. It was a quiet night, the kind of night where even strangers seem to partake in an unspoken understanding of keeping the fragile silence. In that quiet oasis, dwarfed by the magnificence of the building, I realised how beautiful Singapore was but I was being delusional. It was beautiful only because it gave me a peek into the big world out there, beyond the horizon. And that was what attracted me. The big world out there. Not the immediate beauty of the Singapore skyline. But as with all things, the curse of life comes back to haunt us. When we have stepped out to see the world, that beauty fades.

Despite my sudden urge to stay and fully belong, the curse of life comes back to haunt us and I realised that I'll never be happy if I remained in this paradise, even if it makes me sad to leave it. And leave I must, to find that sweet spot between happiness and sadness, even if it means chasing a dream that is merely my own illusion.

We Are the World

There comes a time
When we head a certain call
When the world must come together as one
There are people dying
And it's time to lend a hand to life
The greatest gift of all

We can't go on
Pretending day by day
That someone, somewhere will soon make a change
We are all a part of
God's great big family
And the truth, you know love is all we need

[Chorus]
We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

Send them your heart
So they'll know that someone cares
And their lives will be stronger and free
As God has shown us by turning stone to bread
So we all must lend a helping hand

[Chorus]
We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

When you're down and out
There seems no hope at all
But if you just believe
There's no way we can fall
Well, well, well, well, let us realize
That a change will only come
When we stand together as one

[Chorus]
We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

It's summer again. Like all summers before this, the days bleed into one another. Each just like the one before. This summer is a little different though. I've been thinking about heaps lately. My life ahead, the path I wanna take and if I wanna make my life mean something, instead of making meaning of this life. There is so much that we can give as an individual. I don't think we have to be particularly rich or talented. Somehow the thought of it alone breathes life into anyone. It's bewildering. Maybe it's really time to pick ourselves up and give a little. However little.

I think it's been another half a year since I last updated. I hope my silence hasn't been haunting. It's good that no one comes here at all. I actually feel insulated in this little soundproof iridescence bubble of mine. A place to step away and think and yet be very much a part of my surroundings as well.

I met someone yesterday, who made me realised how much I've put off chasing my interests, just because the alternative seems more practical. Don't get me wrong. I love the law. I couldn't be more grateful for this wonderful opportunity to learn it. It has been an amazing journey so far. Somehow though, I feel the law cannot survive alone. I took this double degree and accepted my place here precisely because of my love for human rights, politics and international relations. Over the years, while my feelings for these haven't changed (on the contrary, I love the subject even more after being forced to do other electives), my attitude towards them have. They became relegated to the background and the study of law loomed larger and larger in front of them.

In a sense, the law is demanding and needy. But I think my preoccupation with it at the expense of my passion is disturbing. Working in a law firm seems to everyone's aim, not so much to put food on the table (it's a given seeing as to how indecently lawyers are paid), but the glamour, the prestige, the excitement, the elitism that comes with it. For those on the outside, it's an exciting job and in all my internships, it continued to hold that attraction to me. It's so easy to be sucked into our own cocooned, elite world of tailored suits, stilettos, tight schedules, court appearances and expensive lunches. But for its worth, we're so ignorant of the things that really make the world go round. The politics, so intricately tied to the economy, the nation states, affecting multi-national corporations, the poverty, of those exploited by those running the show, the environment, traded in for mere figures at the end of every fiscal year. Sadly, the things that really matter, matter the least to those who benefit from it.

Maybe its time to re-think my options, step away from the cocooned elite world not to look at it from the outside, but to look outside. And maybe, start living again.

Innocence - Avril Lavigne

Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great!
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I tihnk about the little tihngs that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

I foudn a place so safe not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

This innocence is brilliant, it makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliant, please don't go away, cos I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it'll stay
This moment is perfect please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

It's the eve of Christmas eve and here I am, in the quiet solitude of the night playing out my thoughts.

I've been thinking alot about God, about life, His purpose and role in my life, my future, my friends and relationships. All the questions that only the lazy days of summer induce and resolve. I guess we spend so much of our time planning for the future, so much of our time building for the future. But we spend much lesser time looking to the One creating our future. The source and provider. Increasingly, I feel less of the urge to plan but more of the desire to do my best in whatever I'm put to do. To understand God's character, to learn from the Master. To learn to obey more and demand less. To learn to listen more and speak less. To be quick to forgive and slow to anger. To be more patient and less stubborn. To be more humble and less proud.

I visited Mrs Lai today. She asked me a simple question but like all simple questions, it was profoundly difficult as well. I had my answers to them, but I could not put them into words then. I think she must have been disappointed in my answer even if she didn't show it. She asked what I would see myself doing at the end of this life on earth. She had opened it to Becky and I. I thought Becky had given a good answer - one that I would have given myself - only I would have qualified it a little more. Becky said that saving a few souls would be enough. In my conversation later at night with Jen, I told her the answer I was struggling to put into words this afternoon. I thought that saving souls were a given. The only thing left is to reflect the glory of God in everything I do (everything being God's purpose in my life) and that in so doing, I bring people to Him. That is, to do the very thing He created you to do and in so doing, extend the kingdom of heaven. This is because I believe that God's purpose for us is multi-fold. His plans fit perfectly like a jigsaw. God had planned for every Christian to spread the message, bring salvation to the unbelievers and ultimately glorify Him. This was the fundamental purpose God had for everyone. (I believe.) It however, was not the only purpose He had for us. He made us all with unique talents from which we draw on to fulfill this fundamental purpose. These special talents were His secondary purpose for us in our lives. In effect, by doing His purpose in our lives, we accomplish all that He has set out for us and that includes saving other non-believers because it is all in His grand plan.

Today, my exams ended. My second year of uni has officially come to an end.

Back in JC even when the days spilled from one to the other, every day as nebulous and exhausting as the one before, punctuated only by the concerts and rehearsals, I made it a point to do my best. Unfortunately for me then, my own limited capabilities and lack of talent in the fields of science and math were to become my greatest nemesis. I didn't believe that I could be one to settle for less but I did. This year and I'm not proud of it.

Tired of my Arts degree, perhaps worn to the bone because of my overloading in first semester and the rigours of the curriculum, I let slip many opportunities to push myself and for that, I disappoint myself.

I stumbled into Borders today, after leaving Hong and attempting (and failing) to do some rewarding shopping. As always, the bookshop has always been my place of refuge, to disappear into my own perfect world. During those carefree RG days, I could spend all day at Taka's Kinokuniya, leaning against the large windows and reading magazines and books - much to the chagrin of the staff (we sat on the floor and so were mostly in their way - but we were young and rebellious and couldn't have cared less). Anyhow, I've been inspired to work hard now, after spending 2 hours reading Obama's autobiography. He's always been someone I look up to. Unafraid to challenge the current order of things, optimistic, driven, down-to-earth and religious. Everything I've always wanted to be.

I want to look back and know that I've done the best I could, been the best I could and given the best I could. In every way. To be one who's accomplished, yet humble of her achievements, approachable, reliable and mostly importantly, a lady after God's own heart. I know I said that dreams will always remain dreams unless they are also in God's plan for me. In reconciling that and my present position, I think it best to make those dreams attainable, even if they are not in His grand plan. It's funny that the revelation should come only now, belatedly after my exams, but I'm thankful for it nonetheless. Next year will be different and the transformation will continue. Wait for it.