Today, my exams ended. My second year of uni has officially come to an end.

Back in JC even when the days spilled from one to the other, every day as nebulous and exhausting as the one before, punctuated only by the concerts and rehearsals, I made it a point to do my best. Unfortunately for me then, my own limited capabilities and lack of talent in the fields of science and math were to become my greatest nemesis. I didn't believe that I could be one to settle for less but I did. This year and I'm not proud of it.

Tired of my Arts degree, perhaps worn to the bone because of my overloading in first semester and the rigours of the curriculum, I let slip many opportunities to push myself and for that, I disappoint myself.

I stumbled into Borders today, after leaving Hong and attempting (and failing) to do some rewarding shopping. As always, the bookshop has always been my place of refuge, to disappear into my own perfect world. During those carefree RG days, I could spend all day at Taka's Kinokuniya, leaning against the large windows and reading magazines and books - much to the chagrin of the staff (we sat on the floor and so were mostly in their way - but we were young and rebellious and couldn't have cared less). Anyhow, I've been inspired to work hard now, after spending 2 hours reading Obama's autobiography. He's always been someone I look up to. Unafraid to challenge the current order of things, optimistic, driven, down-to-earth and religious. Everything I've always wanted to be.

I want to look back and know that I've done the best I could, been the best I could and given the best I could. In every way. To be one who's accomplished, yet humble of her achievements, approachable, reliable and mostly importantly, a lady after God's own heart. I know I said that dreams will always remain dreams unless they are also in God's plan for me. In reconciling that and my present position, I think it best to make those dreams attainable, even if they are not in His grand plan. It's funny that the revelation should come only now, belatedly after my exams, but I'm thankful for it nonetheless. Next year will be different and the transformation will continue. Wait for it.

It's my Criminal Law B exam tomorrow. I should be studying. But my mind drifted and I find myself here again, my secret santuary, a museum of all my thoughts of the past, the present and the future. I think one can dream great things and to some (me included) the dream sustains, motivates and ultimately consumes them. But I came to a realisation a few days ago that the dream should never cloud our vision of what life is all about. Life isn't about achieving your dreams, (as most people would say), it's about living it the way God designed and planned for you to. If we went about doing what we wanted, achieving everything our heart desired, one day we'll be left to feel that it is meaningless. Sure, it looks good on the record and makes us feel proud of ourselves. But we wouldn't have lived life to the fullest and by that I mean, experiencing the unexpected, the thrill of not knowing what lies ahead and being pleasantly surprised or refreshingly disappointed (yet undoubtedly wiser). Maybe I still have that childhood dreams within me but they will only remain dreams unless it is also God's plan that I achieve them. Until then, I'll live with the faith in Him to guide each step of the way and embrace the exciting uncertainty that believing in Him brings.