These days, the hours just bleed into one another, and the minutes fade...anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLARA!!! Love you loads! Now you're one year older, girl. so much for freedom and independence! love you love you love you!!!
Whoa. come to think of it, I really envy gareth and zhengyi in London! Gosh! How cool.. I wish i could go.. sigh

What am i doing online? oh man. it's the concert tmr. Strangely, I feel damn sad. really damn sad. for all the struggling and reluctance to play for another chamber concert, suddenly I feel like this comfortable blanket being pulled away from me. Always, the warm comfortable blanket that I can retire to and relax in after a long day, it's going now. After tmr at about this time, I think I'll seriously cry. Man. Suddenly I realise I love performing in an orchestra, as part of a chamber ensemble. For braving the cold in the room, talking at the back, slacking and panicking over high notes that we can't reach easily through sight-reading... I'll really miss those days.Damn. i'm slipping into that state again. state of sentimentality. URGH. Suddenly, when i'm free to go and run and never come back to the ensemble room again, I don't wanna leave. I just wanna stay there even when the lights go off and feel the lingering coldness in the room, just staring, wanting time to stand still. It's like tearing a part of you away and never finding it back. Now, I think if I walk past the chamber room, I'll barge in. No matter who the heck is in there. I don't care. I just wanna go back, to the days where the J3s were still ard, when chamber meant so much to me. and then there was SYF, the pain, the struggle, the hardwork and finally the euphoria over our GWH. the rose that came with SYF, then Opus 5, and IFC at CHJIMES, the beautiful beautiful acoustics of that hall, RJC Opening Ceremony, the little library performance, and this, our last. IFC at VCH. So many beautiful memories that close when the curtains closes, a chapter closed, ended, forever. SHIT. I hate this. I hate it when sth you're so used to ends. SHIT.

Just came back from VCH. For some odd reason, this year's IFC concert didn't touch me at all. Ok. So it's only a dress rehearsal. But I didn't feel the music floating above my head, didn't feel that magical feeling whenever I'm performing. It sucked. Mental note to get the scores photocopied so I can look through Janacek Mvt 7 and Requiem Mvt 2. YUCK. I think I contributed to most of the out of tune notes. okok, I'll practise. Esp Janacek. No joke. I figured it didn't matter where you sit, just play well. Uh huh. THat makes more sense. After that, Joy's dad was so kind to fetch us to the mrt. And Shi Rong and I got peach and lemon tea. Which sucked. They were from MOS and we suspected that they had already closed, but decided to entertain us since we looked jaded and dead. After that, we realised that City Hall MRT doesn't freaking have a dustbin. So we walked and walked in search of a DUSTBIN. And poor Shi Rong had rheumatism..and she just collapsed on top of her violin in the middle of nowhere. Luckily it was 11pm at night and not many people were there. FINALLY! We found a dustbin and Shi Rong said she'll remember that dustbin forever. Me too. I'll remember it forever. Eventful night. YUCk. For ONCE, I actually wanted rehearsal to end. Usually, I just liked it while it lasted and feel sad when it ends. But not this one. VCH usually gives me that outer-worldly feeling that surreal feeling esp when we're preparing for a concert and we end late, but not this one. Why? I wonder.......

Performance at the library sucked. To put it bluntly. We were freaking unprepared, at least I was, and it was just screwed up. Ok. I didn't even know what pieces we were supposed to play. and when Jun meng placed the score on the stand, I was like. "What's this?" and he was like "We're playing it now!" and I was like "Crap! I've never seen this piece!" Ok. So I sight-read pretty badly. All thanks to my skipping the earlier last minute rehearsal in exchange for Physics lesson. Miss Wu! You must be proud of me. :) I vow to practise for chamber now. At least the pieces we are playing. So I won't have to sight-read freaking high notes that need me to press and pray. Haha. Which is pretty much what i do most of the time anyway. haha.

Me Against the World
by Simple Plan

We're not gonna be just a part of their game
We're not gonna be just the victims
They're takin' our dreams and they tear them apart
Til' everyone's the same

I've got no place to go
I've got nowhere to run
They'd love to watch me fall
They think they know it all

I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they always said
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
But I'll make it on my own
I'm gonna prove them wrong
Me against the world

It's me against the world

We won't let them change how we feel in our hearts
We're not gonna let them control us
We won't let them shove all their thoughts in our heads
And we'll never be like them

I've got no place to go
I've got nowhere to run
They'd love to watch me fall
They think they know it all

I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they always said
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
But I'll make it on my own
I'm gonna prove them wrong
Me against the world
Me against the world.

AH.

Now I'm sick of this waiting
so come on and take your shot
You can spit all your insults
but nothing you say's gonna change us
You can sit there and judge me
Say what you want to
But we'll never let you win

I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they've always said
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
But I'll make it on my own
Me against the world

I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they've always said
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
I'm gonna prove them wrong
They'll never bring us down
But I'll make it on my own
We'll never fall in line
I'll make it on my own
Me against the world

I'm kind of resigned to the unfairness around. Spoke to Mark for pretty long yesterday and I realised there's really so much to learn from him. To let go, to not let it bother me. This is the last of my angst for the whole episode. I need to get it out once and for all. For to whom it may concern, the words in bold are meant for you. Yes. YOU. Quit smiling, and trying to patch up, because really, I don't give a damn anymore. I figured the truth is kinder than the lie in the long run. You've ruin my life enough. It's time for you to get out of my life, I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. Pretend we never met, pretend all this never happened. I guess it would be more bearable then.