I surprise myself at how often I blog these days. I guess I have got to find somewhere quiet to think and play ou my thoughts. It is far from quiet nowadays.

It's the end of the second week of uni. I managed to allocate my timetable so they fit nicely into a 3-day week. I couldn't ask for better. Free time these days have been spent in John Medley Library photocopying for Charm and during those times when conscience hits you to let the person behind with just one thin miserly sheet, jump ahead of you, you find 10 more with 'a few miserly sheets' so I end up wondering into the library for a good read before I can claim the photocopier as mine again. These days, it's hard for me to actually fall in love with Criminal Law. It's the only law unit that I'm doing this year. It's interesting, but it doesn't reach out to grab me like Contracts does. Funny, isn't it. I found a book during one of those days when I had to wait for the others to finish photocopying their stuff and I can't put it down since. I'm not a Culture Card member so I can't borrow anything out of the library so I spend what little time I have in between photocopying, reading it. It is called The Associate by John Grisham. Like all his other books, Grisham's style of writing hits you within the first few pages. It is a page turner no doubt, but not a literary masterpiece. I'm not about to provide a critic's response to Grisham's newest thriller here but just some of my thoughts that spun off from reading that book.

In the book, the protagonist is Kyle, a final year Yale Law student who is exceptionally bright - Yale Law Review's editor in chief. Grisham describes how he enters one of NYC's most prestigious law firms, taking in the grand surroundings and the fast paced lifestyle of all junior associates. It is here that I think I've found a conclusion to my random ideas - that you won't dare to dream until you see the dream before you. It is easier to dare to achieve when the dream is right before you. There is something almost powerful about seeing your goal before you. It grabs at you and for that one moment (which for some can last a lifetime), you think you can accomplish anything. But when one can't seem to make heads or tails about where your future lies, one loses even the audacity to dream. And as I have concluded, it is better to dream and fail than to never dream at all. I remember how I used to look at the stately Old Supreme Court, with its shifting shadows under the moonlight, the large iron-wrought windows and heavy metal doors and wished I knew what went on inside. Mummy used to say no one could go in but bad people and lawyers and to a wide-eyed 8 year-old, the magnificence of that building came to symbolise success and power, two very compelling symbols which entice even the hopeless. The building is no longer used as a Supreme Court today, having seen better days. It is a museum and is now open to public. You could say I lost a big part of my childhood dream when the building lost its function. But I think it would be more accurate to say my dreams only got bigger. I'm not sure if I can sustain them. They aren't in front of me. In fact, I've never been able to clearly crystallize or visualise my dream ever since entering law school. I think it's time I start searching for it, or lose even the magic that it held to help me dream.

It's been a really long time. Actually no, time really flies. One more semester and I'm done with second year. I'm not sure what to make of it. Last semester was terrible. The stress, the lack of sleep, the anxiety and the disappointments. I can't say I'm alright with my Crim grades. In truth, I'm anything but. Disappointed, worried and angry. Some say that competition is all about winning others. Others say that mantra will kill you. Competition, they say, is all about winning yourself, pushing yourself to do better than what you think you can achieve. I say, it's a little bit of both. And that's where the fatal waltz begins, where one finds herself dancing with the devil's advocate. If competition is all about winning myself, nothing really matters anymore. Define better. What is better when there is no one to compare it with? What is the standard to begin with that I should be aiming to better? Nil. It is the competition with others that sets this standard. To better illustrate this, it is like a man living alone on an island, happy with growing and consuming his own produce. But what would constitute bettering himself? Hunting? Fishing? But what if the man started off without even attempting to grow anything, but feeding off wild fruits? Indeed, if there is no competition with others, there is essentially nothing to better because paradoxically, nothing can be considered better. We either always fall short of the mark or are way above it. Yet competition with others drags with it the uncomfortable truth that sits uneasily with the notion of competing with yourself only - that you realise your limits. And it is this truth that snowballs disappointment, frustration, anger, sadness and bitterness into a potentially dangerous mass, perching precariously at the edge of the cliff we call ambition, threatening to cascade into a destructive avalanche.

It is 2.35am and I've got a 9am lecture tomorrow. I'm going to bed. Perhaps we could all still approach that cliff, but with caution, careful not to stand too near the edge.