It's been so long since I last blogged. Been ill, physically and emotionally. Like I said, I think the faint candle breathed its last and died within me. This nagging sadness. There really isn't anyone I can tell to who will really understand me now. What's left of me? I think we don't remember much of our lives, there're some times in our lives that simply bleed like ink in the wash, where memories are nebulous. Times we hate to look back on, because they usually accompany unhappy thoughts. I think these 2 years will be the grey in my life. That spot that represents anguish, young love, heartbreaks, disillusionment, etc.

Yesterday was my last YO concert. The feeling sucks. Really. People were all getting teary and red eyed. And yeah, I would have felt that way if someone hadn't spoiled my mood. But now, come to think of it, it saved me from crying yesterday. It's gone now. All's gone. It's taken away from me and it's never going to be returned. Worse, I don't have many photos of myself to capture those moments of intense happiness. I guess it'll only continue to live in my memory, tucked away in some precious corner in my mind, where I can sometimes pry it open and peer inside, and relive those moments, close my eyes and feel myself back in VCH again, the music above me, around me, beyond me. The sadness that envelops me, choke me. The euphoria that raises me, and sweep me away. It's all that's left. And in it's place, is a big hollow void in my heart. YO is like the best thing that has ever happened in my life, aside from all the great friendships forged. Something I'll never ever regret having done. I've forged so many wonderful friendships, friends who feel as deeply and emotionally for it as me, friends who make me laugh.. I've truly spent wonderful years with you all. It can be stressful at times, yeah in YO, esp when you're in the conductor's line of sight, but everything's worth it when the final swish of the baton ends a dramatic piece and you hear the appreciative applause and stare into the blackness in front of you, becuase the stage lights blind you. When will I ever experience it again? I guess I'll leave it blank. I don't wanna nail the final nail into the coffin. Forever hoping that what's dead will awaken again. Maybe I'm cheating myself, maybe I'm just daring to dream.

The days crawl with the feet of lead towards the 12 these days. Maybe it's just me. Stalling for time. Somehow, there's this small, flickering candle of joy surrounding that day. I can't see beyond that. It fades to darkness that stretches to infinity. This isn't withdrawal symptom. I know because something tells me it's more than that. I've been living in the dream for too long, never realising that it is a dream that I'll have to wake up from one day. Maybe now I see the reality clearer and clearer from behind the fog and it's mocking me. For having no guts to continue living my dream despite the odds. I think we all have to face this sometime or another, the drudgery of challenges or the pain of regret. I think we choose the latter because it belies a simpler life but it's deceiving, much like many other good things. We pay back through years of regret, of having no courage to try.

I Will Carry You
by Clay Aiken

Yeah, I know it hurts
Yeah, I know you're scared
Walkin' down the road that leads
To Who-Knows-Where

Don't ya hang your head
Don't ya give up yet
When courage starts
To disappear
I will be right here

When your world
Breaks down
And the voices tell you,
Turn around
When your dreams give out
I will carry you

Carry you
When the stars go blind
And the darkness starts to
Flood your eyes
When you're fallin' behind
I will carry you
Everybody cries
Everybody bleeds
No one ever
Said that life's
An easy thing
That's the beauty of it
When you lose your way
Close your eyes
'N' go to sleep
And wake up to
Another day

When your world
Breaks down
And the voices tell you,
Turn around
When your dreams give out
I will carry you

Carry you
When the stars go blind
And the darkness starts to
Flood your eyes
When you're fallin' behind
I will carry you
You should know now
That you're not alone
Take my heart and we will find
You will find
Your way home

When your dreams
give out
I will carry you
Carry you
When the stars
Go blind
And the darkness starts to
Flood your eyes
When you've fallen
Behind
I will carry you
Carry you
I will carry you
Carry you
I will carry you
Carry you
I will carry you

It's my Life
by Bon Jovi

This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

It's my life
It's now or never
But I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your owns breaks

It's my life
And It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live when I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend don't break, baby don't back down

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live when I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said "I did it my way"
I just want to live while I'm alive

It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live when I'm alive (It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said "I did it my way"
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life!

Whatever. Whatever, whatever. these days, the only thing i actually look forward to is going for YO. And after the 12 July, I think everything will dissolve. Whatever. Whatever. I can't bear to give up the idea of never playing for a concert again, never going to another concert. I don't want 12 to come! NO NO NO. URGH. Was watching the dvd taken of our Mozart Requiem Concert at VCH with the International Festival of Chorus, Metro Philharmonic Choir and City Choir, and I realised that sheesh. This isn't ever going to happen again after the 12. I hate this. You said you love shooting and cannot bear to give it up. Girl, I totally feel the same way about this. It's just something that makes my life complete. It's like losing a limb. Whatever, whatever. Am I the only fool to feel so much for this? To let go of something I've done for 9 years of my life? I can't even put into words what I feel. Forget it. You either understand it or you don't.

Anyway, I'll say this to carve the memory of my last concert.
SNYO Concert
12 July,
7.30pm
VCH
Tickets at Sistic.

We're playing the beautiful Shostakovich's Suite from "The Gadfly", Op 97a. Beautiful beautiful piece to end off and lots more.. yeah.