It's in the middle of prelims. I don't know what I'm doing online. Was just pretty troubled these days. Not just the horrid papers. but so much more. Realised I backslided alot and it's really the exams taking a toil on my own relationship with God. It has morphed into something I don't like. And I really hate myself for it. For always taking Him as one who will provide for my needs and nothing more. I don't think I deserve His grace anymore. Quiet times are reduced to early morning prayers to the purplish, pinkish sky, sending my prayers heaven-wards like little invisible puffs of smoke. I don't want to keep walking down this spiritually-draining path. Coz I know I owe Him so much, my life, my circumstances, everything. But i don't know if God still listens anymore. After I've been like crap, ignoring my Creator for days on end. When daddy quotes from the bible in the morning, I get this heavy, sad feeling. I want to walk back towards Him. After i've drifted so far off, that my life is spinning out of control now. Crap and only I can help myself draw closer to Him. I remember how I used to sing the Care Chorus in primary school and feeling so safe and warm in His unconditional, abundant love. Now I feel void. Will I still find Him inside me again, after all this while?

Care Chorus

I cast all my cares upon You,
I lay all of my burdens,
down at your feet,
for anytime that I don't know,
What to do...
I will cast all my cares upon You..

"Casting all your cares upon Him for He cares for you" 1 Peter 5:7

I think I'm gonna take a u-turn and walk towards the light. Towards Him. I'm going back to my beginnings. From where the proof of my existence begin. Lord, I'm coming back to you.

"Trust in God with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; but in all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:6