Behind that thin veneer of smiles and laughter, is a horribly cracked interior. Mixed with sadness, grief, confusion, madness and hopelessness, perfect ingredients for a suicide. It's so messed up. You just don't know where to start. And people take advantage of your fall, your weakness and step all over you, kick you till you cringe in a corner, then drag you in front of the shooting squad, rid your body with bullets and leave you slumped, lying in a pool of blood. You're broken inside, tortured when you didn't deserve to be, accused of something you didn't do. And so it crumbles, mind, body and soul. Every damn thing. People stand around and watch you suffer, slowly die in front of their very eyes. But they still stand, doing nothing. Until an angel appears, pick you up and carry you upon her shoulders. You breathe. Again. You open your eyes and no, it isn't the blood that you see, but the heavens, the light, the clouds above. And you live again. But still scarred from the bullets that mutilated you. How does that feel? Terrible? Yii Wen, thank you so much for being the angel. The caring, beautiful angel. Always. I love you, girl. I always have. For the others, thanks for being the shooting squad, thanks for standing around. I really didn't appreciate it. I mean it this time.

I'm stuck here, hooked to the music playing on my computer. I just read an e-mail M sent me. It really got me thinking. How much I really treasure the present, how much I let go by having the wrong attitude. In a sense, she's right. Thank you, girl. Sometimes, I just can't see through the fog.

Was looking at some really pretty and breath-taking scenery pictures just now. Ahhh. Really therapeutic. I wish my backyard at such beautiful beautiful scenery that opens out into the wilderness and mountains and rolling green meadows and snaking rivers. I would give anything for that kind of freedom. To run and keep running through the meadows, up the mountains, through the forest, by the river and never getting lost.

Am I a dreamer or a hopeless romantic stuck in a emotionless concrete jungle?

The week is over. Poof. YO was not bad. Just that I never knew that after practising Berlioz, you could still get lost. Ok. New resolution: practise more. practise faster. I'm beginning to enjoy Brahms, Berlioz and Ravel. Ravel's NOT that bad. YET. We haven't reached the last movement.

Went shopping with Sherry, Zhi Hui and Angeline on Friday. It rocks!!! But poor Sherry, she didn't find anything nice to buy! And Angeline, bought this clutch purse. and we all started suanning her about how after you take it out of the shop, it isn't as pretty anymore. Oh. And like all gluttons, we suddenly decided to have dessert in the middle of our shopping trip! haha. So we ordered honeydew sago and soursop. And I swear the aunty doesn't know how to make proper dessert. We ended up eating rock ice. Literally. It was so hard! It was a great shopping trip. We laughed so hard, so much! I've never laughed so much for this whole year. It seems as though everything's so melancholic these days. I love you girls. Old friends really perk you up.

It's been a pretty fine week so far. SO FAR. Till Thursday has gone, I won't say it's gonna be a prefect week. I went shopping with Lim Bei (Michelle) yesterday! I love you loads, babe! Just don't keep thinking of food!!! Goodness. And you are so not getting the goldfish nian gao. NO WAY. It's a total waste of money, dear. I hope you really like that pink pants you got though. *grins* We'll go for some eating outing next time yeah? Then maybe we can gorge ourselves with good food! Muahahaha...
Shopping yesterday was fun! But I think ogling at the cute singer on the big screen at Taka was the best part. We looked like total idiots walking up and down the place just to keep looking at his MTV playing on the big screen. But then again, we wouldn't have realised he came on if Mich didn't drag me into this Chinese New Year food exhibition. *looks at Lim Bei* So while Mich indulged in her greatest fantasy of ogling and salivating at food, I occupied myself watching this cute singer called Wallace and his MTV. The song was great, actually, and I think the title is "Shan Xia De Xing Fu" or Blessings under an umbrella. Oh, that was towards the end of our shopping trip. We actually went to many shops! Zara, Mango, Topshop, Esprit, FCUK, Blood bros., Warehouse, Lacoste, Puma, British India, Giodano, Bossini...etc. I really liked this FCUK top that says "Cool as FCUK". Isn't it cool? Gosh. I LOVE IT. Oh and there was this other top in British India that was really authentic looking. Even Lim Bei agreed. It was a woollen kind of top with gold surfacing. Gorgeous. Totally.
On a more serious note, I actually got into floorball. I'm not sure how I'm gonna leave early for Chamber to make it on time for floorball. Chamber's having this recording CD session and we have that Inauguration Ceremony of RJC to perform for. We still sound terrible so we're not allowed to skip rehearsals. But they didn't say we couldn't leave early! ;P That's the loophole! heehee...

Can You feel the Love Tonight?
by Elton John

There's a calm surrender
To the rush of day,
When the heat of a rolling wind
Can't be turned away

An enchanted moment,
And it sees me through
It's enough for this restless warrior
Just to be with you

And can you feel the love tonight?
It is where we are
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer
That we got this far

And can you feel the love tonight,
How it's laid to rest?
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Believe the very best

There's a time for everyone,
If they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope
Moves us all in turn

There's a rhyme and reason
To the wild outdoors
When the heart of this star-crossed voyager
Beats in time with yours

And can you feel the love tonight?
It is where we are
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer
That we got this far

And can you feel the love tonight,
How it's laid to rest?
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Believe the very best
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Believe the very best

I love this song and its lyrics. It makes life so simple again. Its like one comes a full circle in life.

Just got back from YO. From all the madness in the room. We played Berlioz and Brahms today. And yes. Experience Berlioz in his madness and you'll soon be praying you had practised the piece since forever. I'm so going to practise it till I nail all the right notes. It was so fast and furious! OMG. Next Thursday, we'll be taking on Ravel. God help me. Ravel is difficult to play. No joke.

Received so many messages from my friends just now and suddenly, I felt so loved. I love you all, girls! Kisses! Nothing can stand in the way of friendship. Pure girly friendship, not even boyfriends. Somehow, there's only so much you can tell a guy, but with girlfriends, there's no limit. I love you Sherry and Sue Jen! I miss you girls so much! We need those crazy shopping trips! I'm reliving those good old days in RGS. Those bygone era that we had the freedom and the fire in us to live every moment. Now, we just exists. At least I exist only.

Was walking so fast just now, so that I don't catch those fat raindrops and I was praying and praying that God will hold the clouds. Because when you've got a big heavy violin tugging at your aching shoulder, you don't have the strength to pull out an umbrella and hold all that while trying to get home asap. God was kind, as always, and it poured after I got safely to my bedroom. Thank you, Lord!

Has anyone heard Viva Forever by Spice Girls? I think that song rocks. Totally. Check it out.

These days, my schedule's getting more and more packed. There's YO again later, but at 1.15pm instead of 2pm. Urgh. Until 5pm. There goes my Saturday. But yeah, I'm still really thankful, coz I'm not in the army. Poor Mark. hey, take care yeah? Positive attitude, dude!!! After that, you can slack like nobody's business. Smile yeah?

Oh, we had our trial 2km run yesterday, it utterly sucked! I ran 3 rounds and walked the rest of the 2. After my 3rd round, I was like WOAH. I"M SO TIRED!!! It wasn't like fatigue, but more of the morning tiredness kind. It was as though I wanted to go to sleep right there and then. That was PE. School's really boring I tell you and CCAs no better, coz Chamber's boring. It always is. Now I only look forward to floorball on Monday. Clinic and selections for J1s! Check THAT out.

Oh, then in the afternoon, we had this SYFC meeting, Wai Ling was so funny as usual! Then I saw Oafie at J8! Woohoo. You look so pretty babe! As always! I guess I was feeling a little out of sorts yesterday, because of schedule clashes and stuff. But anyway, I had to find someone to have dinner with me! It made no difference, because I ate alone at the Thai restaurant near my house, with Maryann on the line with me. So it was fine, like having dinner with another person except she's not sitting opposite you.

We had CCA Fest today and I spent most of my time at the floorball booth. I must say I really like floorball, as in I really enjoy the game and the people in it. Didn't really spend much time at the Chamber booth though. It's weird since it's supposed to be my core CCA, and yet, I feel so much more involved in floorball. I really think its got something to do with the fact that my section's so slack, no one bothers to include us anymore. But hey! I do care about Chamber! Include me!!!!

Floorball booth was right next to sailing booth and suddenly, I realised that I used to dream and dream about becoming a sailor, but it never materialised. I guess there are somethings in life that one will always look back and regret not attempting or seizing. I do regret alot of things. And ironically, sometimes I don't regret allowing such regrets to occur, because they will always exist. In a sense that I would have gone ahead with whatever I wanted, but I would have to let go of another opportunity. And this missed opportunity would in turn become the regret. It's pretty confusing now, but I guess one will understand when one experiences it.

It's pouring outside and the air's really chilly. In more ways than one, it does feel a little like Cambodia when it's raining outside. Apart from the muddy muddy roads, it's just as cold, only I feel colder here. Inside, outside. There's no life here, nothing at all. I just wanna run, somewhere, anywhere. Away from here, from home, school, this wretched place. I would go Cambodia, Nepal, anywhere, but stay here. It just eats away at you, this whole place, gnawing away at my life, my flesh, everything in me except my soul. If it hits the soul, I'm doomed.

I feel like I'm sleepwalking through the days and it spills from one day to the next without my conscious feel of it. The faces, the events, the hours, pass in a quick blur. In a strange detached way, I'm pretty fine with it. The faster time moves, the less pain I feel. Just like running through a dark fog, you never know where you're heading and what's up ahead, but strangely the thought that you're actually moving is comforting in itself, as if you're momentarily escaping from the strange circumstances and one never knows how long it will continue this way. Any form of escape is good enough.

They say your life flashes before you just before you die. I disagree. Why do I see my life flashing before me every time I close my eyes?

Sometimes you feel God everywhere, sometimes you don't hear Him at all. At times, He seems so detached from certain circumstances in your life, as though He picks on those He wishes to interfere. I wish He would just interfere with every single aspect of it. Then maybe I neednt go through it alone.

Luca
by Susan Vega

My name is Luca
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes I think you've seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight
Just don't ask me what it was
Just don't ask me what it was
Just don't ask me what it was

I think it's cause I'm clumsy
I try not to talk too loud
Maybe it's because I'm crazy
I try not to act too proud
They only hit you until you cry
And after that you don't ask why
You just don't argue anymore
You just don't argue anymore
You just don't argue anymore

Yes I think I'm OK
I walked into the door again
Well, if you ask that's what I'll say
And it's not your business anyway
I guess I'd like to be alone
With nothing broken, nothing thrown
Just don't ask me how I am
Just don't ask me how I am
Just don't ask me how I am

Ok. There's gonna be school tomorrow. Actually, seriously speaking, I don't quite know why I'm still in school. My dream is to do fashion designing! haha. I can picture myself in Milan or London, cutting cloth and holding fashion shows. And it has nothing to do with what i'm studying now. I'm just so obsessed with fashion! Oh my goodness! let's see, the whole adrenaline in comng up with new and wacky designs, to tease, to showcase, to accentuate! But come to think of it, I'd be competing with the big boys out there for customer base and I really need to come up with an anchor design! But designing sure beats studying. It's just the fear of the market not warming to your design. Isn't it odd that i want to be a fashion designer instead of a model? Apart from the fact that the possibility is nil, it is as Yii Wen puts it, an utter waste of talent. yes. Talent. LOLz. Sashaying down the catwalk? Nah. Cat fights behind the stage? Nah. Appearing right at the end of the fashion show? YEAH, baby! That's what I wanna be, a fashion designer! Mum says I should marry a rich guy if I want to pursue my passion, because it's easy to fail in fashion business. But who cares? I'm not going to want to rely on a rich guy all my life. I'm gonna be rich myself so I can support my passion! Plus, what's the point of marrying someone rich, only to be ditched by him and upset by his womanising ways? please. I'm Miss Independent. Don't mess around. Watch out girls! Here I come! Mavis the fashion designer!

Had a rude shock yesterday night when Mark said he was enlisting today. Sigh. It's just so sudden. Just like when we had class lunch yesterday and Yuen Sau said he's going back on Monday. Dudes, why so soon?? Gosh. Even Yushan has returned to Norway. Ok, Yushan and guys, take care when you're there. I'll be praying for you all every night! And yeah, Mark, I'm sure you will get in. If you don't, He has something better for you. Smile, yeah?
Been looking at my entries and I realised that most are really depressing. I guess I just don't blog happy memories precisely. So you don't feel the happiness that permeates my life.

Had a rude shock yesterday night when Mark said he was enlisting today. Sigh. It's just so sudden. Just like when we had class lunch yesterday and Yuen Sau said he's going back on Monday. Dudes, why so soon?? Gosh. Even Yushan has returned to Norway. Ok, Yushan and guys, take care when you're there. I'll be praying for you all every night! And yeah, Mark, I'm sure you will get in. If you don't, He has something better for you. Smile, yeah?
Been looking at my entries and I realised that most are really depressing. I guess I just don't blog happy memories precisely. So you don't feel the happiness that permeates my life.

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Been feeling so down like these days, I hate to put the feeling into words. I don't really talk about it to anyone, just snipets of the real pain. But there's like so much more to these. So much rubbish that I can't unload and I can't think of any way to clear them. Just the everyday vicious cycle of going to school and feeling happy or trying to feel and look happy, when deep down, everything stinks. I think if anyone hears the shit(pardon the language) I'm feeling, they wouldn't understand. But it's not like I'm going to say anything about it. Coz then again, no one deserves to be tortured by a tortured soul. Every night, I wish time would fly and I'll be old enough to do what I always enjoy, to travel the world, to feel independent, to not peer so much into the future. Now, it's like a big black hole. I'm not sure how big the hole is or whether there's light at the end. And then again, this in itself is such a small part of the crap that plagues me.I meant to clean this rubbish up after the trip. But it's back and bigger, like a tumor. The song is really appropriate. (Those who don't know me, please don't think the problem is some stupid BGR crap. Coz it's not.) In a way, this crap does teach me to blot out the sadness and unpleasantness in life. But you either choose to numb yourself to it or face it and feel the consequences. and I chose the latter. I can't blame anyone. And all this crap, I'll swallow it. Until it boils over one day again. Soon.