This is bad. Sometimes, I think I'm very cold and unfriendly to those i'm not close to. I really don't intend to be so cold, but at times I just think I have no right to act like we're close, when we're not. And for me, close friends of mine at made over smiles and tears. But I have so few tears that fall from real deep sadness and disappointment! Have been thinking that I may have upset alot of people from my withdrawal when I think I don't have the right to probe further. So I come across as anti-social or ungentle. I don't mean to, really, it's just that I'm afraid of the consequences if I attempt to grow closer. There are alot of what ifs. I don't know anymore. I wish I could express my feelings more adequately, but sometimes, i just don't know how. i've upset alot of people I think becasue i don't seem to show the right emotions. Like when I'm really thankful to mummy, I don't know how to show it. or say it. So sometimes mummy think I'm not grateful enough. Or like when I really feel like hugging a friend to tell her how much she means to me, I have so many reservations about it, I end up smiling weakly. Or when I'm really upset about stuff around me, i put it in so light-hearted terms, no one sees the pain behind it. So they misunderstand me. I wish I could tell all those I'm not close to that I didn't mean to be so cold, but it's so useless now. I don't even know how to bridge the gap. It's so confusing.