Today was pretty uneventful. We went to church in the morning and the sermon was pretty ok. I can't really remember what it meant and all. But as always, the highlight of every sunday is when i get to teach the kids! Today, little Avery Long came for my session and she was so cute! Too bad sophia was fawning over her every minute. And little Jannai didn't come. Boohoo. I had planned to take a photo with her. She's my favourite always. I really can't wait to teach these little ones songs. Somehow, whenever I'm surrounded by these miniature people, I begin to see the world through rose-tinted glasses, notice the awesome colours around me and appreciate that leaf on the sticker or the ingenuity of the foam squares. No wonder God said "For the kingdom of heaven belong to children such as these.." When I look at those little faces, God's wonderful handicraft of the human features becomes more and more obvious. Everything on them is perfect and utterly sinless and every child looks angelic and beautiful. But the world is a terrible place to grow up in. It's heart wrenching to know that someday, that innocence and beauty might fade because they might be influenced by the evil ways of the world.

I have been reading Becoming a man by Paul Monnett. It's a very powerful book though. One hears the voice of the author, coming through as a whisper, but loud enough to be heard by all. His anguish, his pain, his confusion and most of all, his exhilaration of being free again. I have yet to finish it though. The night's so young but I'm bored to death!

the music, the madness...

Just came back from SNYO..and here i am, waitng for mommy to cook and doing my pw. YO was great. Every rehearsal, i just kinda feel like we improve, albeit sometimes a little, but still, we improve. And sometimes, so much! :) I'm really looking forward to our concert on the 3rd.

I have been pondering alot about my future these days, and I realise more and more each day, that I've been too conditioned into wanting the sciences, sometimes, I don't quite feel I live and breathe on it. Although I must say I still love Chemistry and Biology... If I had the power to turn back time, I won't think that my only future is to be good academically. I mean, if one is good in areas other than academic, why not turn professional? Sometimes, to take the road less troddened is really a blessing in disguise. Unfortunately, we never really understand life until we've lived through it. So here I am, stuck in school, not unhappy, just resigned. I prefer things in hazy grey, where freedom reigns on interpretation, where one can really escape into another world, to see the beauty in the unexplained, to hear the music in its madness and appreciate the finest of things in its natural glory. Why should we strive to explain the unfathomable? To make the simple complicated? It's really random, I know. But it's what i've felt for so long. I honestly don't quite care if Mendel counted his peas or not, or if Darwin really thought we were once monkeys. God made everything, so however much we try to make out of His creations, somewhere along the line, we'll surrender in defeat and gaze in awe at His greatness and power. If we know it would come to this end, why not just enjoy what He has made? It's all so bewildering. I don't understand. Science.

On a lighter note, there will be church tmr! I can't wait to see Jannai, back from Canada and little Luke, if he comes. There's really more to life than stupid grades and the ever so bleak future for those of us not born with a silver spoon in our mouths.

my pathetic existence

It's pretty late now and I'm kind of tired. Went out with Jorina today to Bugis and IKEA. Thanks so much for accompanying me, girl! I really appreciated it. *butterfly kisses*
Everything's just falling apart these days. I'm not talking about friendship. Really. I treasure all of my friends. I love you all, girls. I just don't know anymore...

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
And no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me...

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside your bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me...

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking downA
nd no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work
It was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

Whatever.

the silver linings...

It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, and here I am, online blogging. I've just finished 'half-packing' my room. I need a pretty printed box to keep all those little things my friends gave me over the years. Right now, they are all on my table, tucked away in a little corner. And because the number of things there is growing, I've decided that they can't stay on the table for all eternity. I'll probably troop down to IKEA or Bugis to get that box soon. I totally need an extreme makeover for my room. It's getting a tad too dreary and the sunlight that streams in through those half windows ain't soft and soothing at all. Besides, I realise I want to see the moon when I sleep at night. So my bed shall find its new position close to the windows. Enough about the layout of my room. I'm still in the process of thinking it over.
Oh yes, before I forget! Happy belated birthday, Daniel! (I think you should start calling yourself Dar-nel! Afterall, its the right pronunciation!) Yeah dude, one year older, one year wiser. Stay funky and cool always, and study hard yeah? We can do it. I believe God's giving you a second chance to prove your worth, so don't let Him down k?
Yesterday was Open House. In all honesty, it was utterly BORING. Except maybe the hanging out with my other Chamber mates, and the concerts themselves, the rest of it is pretty much bumming around, visiting my other friends' booths, and hibernating in the music resource room. The first concert was a total failure. Not on our part, but the audience. I don't think there was much publicity given to it, given the fact that the performers to audience ratio was greatly tipped in favour of the performers. Anyhow, I think we took it with fortitude and still gave our best for both Wiren and Resphigi. Although we were not quite warmed up yet. The turnout for the second concert timing was much better. And of course, like every performance, I enjoyed every aspect of it, from the freezing fingers to the adrenaline behind the wings and finally the exhilaration at the end of it. It was great, except for the last part of Wiren, when we weren't together. The performance was no where near our SYF standard, but still easy on the ears. At least Charlotte thought it was good!!!! Thanks, girl! After that, I had lunch with my other chamber friends. I realised its the first time I actually talked and bonded so much with them. Pretty pathetic right? But yup, i'm beginning to like you guys alot. :) I got a little queasy after lunch, so I slept at the chamber booth. Met Mark and decided to go home with him. Afterall, we alight one bus stop apart. All the best, Mark for the looming exams! Will be praying for you!
The events of yesterday folded into a blurry mist and ended without my conscious knowledge. But one thing stuck on to the back of my mind. Chamber might be going UK with MEPers next year!!! I want to go UK! Oh my gosh! It's been 9 years since I last visited that grey-skied country, so different from the azure blueness in Singapore! And I don't think its only Chamber. I'm praying the other goes as well. Life is beginning to brighten up! Woo hoo! I can't wait for what the next year brings.

That old feeling...

Time heals all wounds yeah? I'm beginning to think so too. I've decided from today onwards, I'm not going to look back and bemoan what I should have done. I did what I could in the past. I could not have done otherwise. So I'm looking forward now. Time like a wheelbarrow, moves in constant motion. I can't unwind the little hands and make them go my way. I would rather experience those moments in my life, be they horrid or euphoric. They are what moulded me into who I am today. Right now, I look back on my 17 years here and I realise I've rode over many waves, big or small. But i've emerged unscathed. Isn't God wonderful? And I've taken away with me lots of memories and a wealth of experience and wisdom. So I'm thankful for those trying times. Mummy's mug reads this: Do not pray for an easier life, pray to be a stronger person.I guess my childhood prayers were answered! Mummy used to teach me to ask for wisdom and to be stronger person. I think all those turbulence in my life were meant to strengthen and teach me. Yeah, so I give thanks now. :)
Open house preparations were more exciting than I thought. But the best part really was the dry run. I haven't played in a concert for so many months now, I think I'm hungry for the adrenaline that precedes it. I can't wait for tomorrow now.
Anyway, I just got back from Judy's. So I'm learning Servick first before doing Mendelssohn. I wanna learn Mendelssohn! This only means I have to master those etudes. Yeah, I figured long ago that in life, it's always a give and take. :)

I Love You!

Happy Birthday Oafie darling!
Hey dear, one year cooler, one year wiser yeah? Plus ten times more beautiful than the last! I love you loads, hon! *butterfly kisses* Study hard k? You know God helps those who help themselves right? Carpe diem! I know you can do it! So hang in there and give it your best shot. I'll always be here praying for you k? Then when we grow up, we can do missionary together. But first, we have to decide where to go. hmm... Africa or Nepal. The hot or the cold. But anyhow, cross this first hurdle first k? You know God looks down from heaven and sees us as we are, but loves us as He would like us to be. So don't disappoint Him yeah? One day, you totally have to bring me to UK and show me your old house! Remember our little agreement on owning a strawberry farm? You so have to show me the little plot of land you grew ONE strawberry from!!! But all this is in the future. So think for the present and do your best. God will do the rest. I'll be waiting for you when you're done. We have to learn Spanish together remember? Love you always, Oafie!
Just came back from Chamber. It was cool to relive those SYF moments again. I mean, when we played Resphigi and Wiren again, all those wonderful giddy memories came flooding back, including our win and the countless hours of rehearsing with our seniors and all. And I realised I really miss them. ALOT. I'm beginning to like Chamber all over again, after a period of passionless playing. Maybe because I'm beginning to find solace in the music we play. Dad just said life must be full of ups and downs, then we have stories to tell our kids and grandkids next time. Thanks, Dad for making me feel so much better. My life IS full of ups and downs. No wonder lots of feelings I feel do feel old. My mood hasn't improved much and Hanyou asked why I had so little to say. I think I'm partially becoming a shadow of my true self. Or rather, I'm beginning to explore the other me. The quieter, less giddy girl so few come to know.
Spoke to Jen today, and I think Jen really trusts in Him more than I do. It's really friends like these that pull you together and help you focus on God the problem solver and not the problem itself. Thank you Jen! Love you girl!

The past week had been harrowing. It was emotionally tiring, mentally draining, spiritually exhausting. I was that close to throwing in the gauntlet and calling it quits. But I know God was there holding my hand, kindly, yet firmly telling me it's time I sit up and realise my weaknesses. Thank God for everything, my horrible grades, those countless tears (i don't think one can say they were teardrops. They were more like pools of tears.) and even sleepless nights, when I lay awake bathed in the soft glow of the moonlight streaming in from the window, straining my ears to hear Him. Of course, I heard nothing. Nothing in the silence. But I felt Him.
I really have to thank my friends for being there and all, but there is one person, whom I owe alot to. Oafie was there when I needed her. 24/7. All her words of encouragement, her prayers, her just being there, her messages, etc really dragged me out of my misery, to teach me to trust in Him again, to see the rainbow after the storm, to teach me that the thorns comes before the rose and most of all, to never fail to believe in me. And that alone is enough to keep me going. Thank you so much dear.
I cannot say I wasn't sorely disappointed. As a matter of fact, I was utterly disappointed. The feeling's old though, as though I had experienced it before. Although it did seem like aeons ago. And then I remembered that feeling. The feeling of failure despite giving it my best shot. The feeling of being betrayed of my trust. The anguish, the sorrow, the regret, the guilt and finally, the acceptance. And oddly enough, just knowing I had experienced this wretched emotion before gave me a measure of ironic comfort. But then, from those experiences, I know other emotions were born from the ashes of the old. That of courage, of getting up, of fighting back, of hanging on, of trusting all over again. I was beaten once, I hit rock bottom alright, everything shattered. I felt the bruises, I felt the blows. But like the old times, I'm getting up. I'm trusting again. I'm hanging on. I'm going to fight back. And like the old times, I will win. Whatever it takes. Like way back then, no one stands between me and my goal. It's only us now. And this time, I'm going to nail it flat down. Just like I did before. Don't anyone tell me I can't do it. Because only I myself can say that. And also because I've done it before, I can do it again. I can't wait for what the future brings. With God to guide the way, it's only just the beginning.

Deafening silence

It is pathetic that my first entry should be so melancholic. But sometimes, life twists and turns in ways so unexpected, it leaves one tired and without hope. Like snow, when the sun peeps through, and the land heats up, it melts and disappears, unable to face the challenges of the new day. Even now, there's no light. All is dark. And I don't see the sun.

Deafening Silence
It crashes all around me.
My mind screams into my ears.
Unfathomable.
Anguish, pain, hopelessness,
then numbness.
Where were You all along?

You opened the window,
but a little and
I saw the world at my feet.
It slams now
in my face,
not even a trickle of light through.
And i'm left in the dark,
alone, neglected.
Where were You all along?

You gave but withheld so much.
Do You see my frustration?
What did i do to deserve this?
Why make me struggle every time?
I'm sick of it all.
Can't You see it's wearing me down?
Where were You all along?

My candle's flickering,
You sent the wind to snuff me out.
So I'm left in a pool of wax,
my own tears.
Do You feel cold?
Maybe You ain't even near me,
to feel the chill.
Where were You all along?

I knocked.
You said You would answer.
I'm searching for Your answers.
But they would not come.
Deafening silence.
Where were You all along?

Through the tumult,
I slogged hard.
You reward hardwork, don't You?
Don't You?
But no. Why?
Was I fooled into thinking You would?
It's useless now. Everything.
Where were You all along?

Faith the size of a mustard seed.
Yeah, I had more than that.
Once.
Now, I'm licking my wounds
in Your deafening silence.
Where were You all along?

Confidence maketh a man.
My stainglass shattered.
Do You see the lost girl behind it?
Yes, it's me.
Why don't You reach out to me?
I'm reaching out for You.
Where were You all along?

And the morning rain clouds form,
Tears or rain,
You decide.
I've tried my best.
Please do the rest.
You promised to care,
but Your deafening silence,
betrays Your absence.
Your deafening silence.